Absolutely No Adventures


Transcripts


Trailer

In which the gang tries to shoot a promo.

round loaf of bread

breastplate of armor

Episode One: The Sword in the sheath

In which Sig tries to get a sword out of his bakery.


Episode Two: Wicked Lost

In which a traveler from far away has an interesting to-do list.

laptop

stately castle

Episode Three: Admission Impossible

In which Sig is given an offer he very much can refuse.


Episode Four: Happy Days

In which Happy has a visitor.

lightning strike

black and white hanging 'closed' sign

Episode Five: Vampire Weekend

In which Sig, Bea, and Happy celebrate a holiday.


Episode Six: Post Mortem

In which Sig receives some mail.

the corner of a letter

close up of a spiderweb

Episode Seven: What The Cat Dragged In

In which Bea's services are required.


Episode Eight: Something Im-portant

In which Sig is understandably concerned.

an image of flames

red and white container of popcorn

Episode Nine: Last Action Hero

In which letters are read.


Episode Ten: Something New

In which things come full circle.

a mini sword stuck in a field of clovers with two rings hanging off it

Trailer


round loaf of bread

[SFX: Bakery Ambiance]

Bea: Hold on for just a little bit longer. We're almost fully set up.

Sig: Are you sure this is going to help?

Bea: Of course! Nothing like a good ad to get people in the door.

[SFX: Footsteps as Happy walks over.]

Happy: You can use this device to capture his voice?

Bea: Not capture. Record. Geez, Happy. You make it sound like I'm an evil sea witch or something. OK, I think we're ready. You got the script, Sig?

Sig: Got it. But Bea, I'm still not sure--

Bea: Oh, relax. If you mess up, we'll just do another take. OK?

Sig: OK.

Bea: And, we're rolling in 3, 2, 1.

[SFX: Click and whirr]

Sig: Uh, hi! I'm Sig and you should come check out the Signature Eats--

[SFX: The door suddenly opens and the knight enters.]

Knight: Pardon me. I'm looking for--ah! There you are. Sig, the Gemseer. The one with the ability to--

Bea: Hey! Didn't you see the sign? He's closed.

Knight: But you don't understand! This quest is--

Bea: And we're kind of in the middle of something. Can't you see we have a whole set up? You're being really rude right now.

Knight: But this is of the upmost importance and Sig is the only one who--

Bea: Happy.

Happy: Goodbye.

Knight: Hey! Put me dow--ah!

[SFX: The door slams.]

Bea: Don't worry. We'll cut all that out. Where were we? Better just start from the beginning.

Sig: Ah, OK. (clears throat) I'm Sig and you should come check out the Signature Eats Bakery. We've got breads, pies, cookies, cakes and absolutely--

[SFX: There's another knock at the door.]

Sig: Uh, Absolutely--

[SFX: Louder knock at the door]

Bea: Ugh. Cut.

[SFX: The recording noises stop.]

[SFX: Footsteps as Happy walks to the door]

Happy: I will handle it.

Bea: Is it just me or are these people getting more persistent?

[SFX: The door opens.]

Knight: Wait! Before you throw me out again, hear me out.

Happy: State your business. And be brief.

Knight: This gem is said to be made of the tears of the sun itself. Wielding it gives one unimaginable powers. If it falls into the wrong hands then it could have dire consequences. And you're the only one who can find it.

Bea: He's the only one who can find it?

Knight: Yes. The Gemseer.

Bea: Well that's great.

Knight: It is?

Bea: Yeah. Because he's for sure not doing that so there's no way for it to get in the wrong hands.

Knight: That's not what I--

Happy (Reverb Echo): You will come back for pastries or not at all.

[SFX: The door slams.]

Sig (sighing): Absolutely no adventures.

Bea: Yeah, we're gonna need a take two on this. This time with Happy guarding the door.

Happy: Gladly.

[SFX: Happy walks out and shuts the door.]

Bea: Ok. From the top!

[SFX: The theme music kicks in.]

Narrator: Absolutely no Adventures. A show about letting the call to adventure go to voicemail. Coming soon to your podcast feed.

Episode One: The Sword in the Sheath


breastplate of armor

[Music: Upbeat, Intro Music Plays]

Sig: Welcome to the Signature Eats bakery! I'm Sig and we've got breads, pies, cookies, cakes, and Absolutely No Adventures.

[Music: The Intro Music Plays Us Into The Scene]

[SFX: Fire crackles in the background.]

[SFX: A bell dings and the oven opens. Happy pulls the baking tray out of the oven and walks over to Sig.]

Happy: It is done.

Sig: I'm telling you, it's not.

[SFX: Happy sets down the tray.]

Happy: How can it not be done? I followed the recipe exactly. And besides, how would you know? You have never even seen one before and the Toroid of Dimension and Despair is a feat of mundane and arcane craftsmanship beyond your mere human comprehension.

Sig: Mhm. Well, this human can comprehend that it's not done. It needs at least another ten minutes in the oven.

Happy: It is done.

Sig: Take a bite out of it then.

Happy: I will.

[SFX: Happy loudly bites into the Toroid. His chewing sounds get slower and less enthusiastic until they stop completely.]

Happy: It...is not done.

Sig: Truesight never fails. Just put it back in the oven.

Happy: No. The ritual is ruined. If I put it back into the oven it will not be a Toroid of Dimension and Despair. It will be a common Toroid at best. Not worth my time.

Sig: Aww, come on. Don't be grumpy. I'll eat the Toroid.

Happy: Your attempt at pity is noted but not accepted. I will go into the kitchen and destroy the evidence of my failure.

[SFX: Happy walks off. The door to the kitchen opens and shuts.]

Sig: I believe in you, buddy! OK. What was I...uh, right, the day's sales. That was fifty loaves of bread. Three-dozen cookies. Hmm. Three pies. Slow day for pies.

[SFX: The front door opens and shuts. Armored footsteps.]

Isadora: Are you Sig? I'm looking for Sig.

Sig: You found him. I'm Sig and this is the Signature Eats Bakery. We're closing up but there's still some stuff leftover if you really need something. Especially if what you need is pie. I made way too many pies today.

Isadora: I don't need pies. What I need is help.

Sig (suspicious): What kind of help?

Isadora: I have come from very far to find you. I had to cross the Pax! And you weren't easy to locate once I was here.

Sig: That's a lot of dedication for baked goods.

Isadora: I didn't come for baked goods. You have to know that I didn't cross the ocean and show up in your bakery in full plate armor for baked goods.

Sig: Well then I'm sorry, but I can't help you.

Isadora: But, you have to!

Sig: I don't think I do. Again, unless you've changed your mind on the pie thing, in which case, I am definitely your guy.

Isadora: No! It--it has to be you! We read the prophecy. We followed the signs!

Sig: You like signs, huh? Well, read the one on the counter, right there in front of you.

Isadora: "Signature Eats Bakery. Adventurers Welcome. Absolutely No Adventures."

Sig: It's right there when you walk in. First thing you see. But does anyone read it? Of course not. I don't even know why I bothered putting it up.
Isadora: I don't understand.

Sig: Listen, I'm sure you don't want to hear my whole life story, but all you need to know is whatever adventure or quest it is you want to drag me into? It's not happening.

Isadora: But the prophecy--!

Sig: Nope!

Isadora: A seventh son of a seventh son--!

Sig: That's not really any of your business.

Isadora: And a child of two worlds--!

Sig: Also none of your business.

Isadora: Not to mention the star charts--!

Sig: I said no, OK? Don't make me get Happy.

Isadora (confused): You mean angry?

Sig: No, I mean Happy. Hap! Get in here! We've got another one!

[SFX: The back door opens and closes as Happy walks back into the room.]

Isadora (disbelief): He's Happy?

Happy: I am. But you may call me by my full name: Happiness Escapes All Who Behold His Great and Terrible Visage.

Sig (come on): Haaaap.

Happy (grumbling): Or, alternatively, as that is cumbersome for humans to say, you may call me Mr. Happy.

Sig: As in, "Bye Mr. Happy," because you were just leaving, right?

[SFX: Armored footsteps.]

Isadora: Wait! Just--wait. Please. I've come all this way. Won't you at least talk to me? I'll--I'll buy some of your pie if that will help? I'll get a slice and--

Happy (way too intense): Pies are sold whole or not at all! You will not buy a slice.
Sig: Woah, Geez, Hap. Take it down a few notches.

Happy: She will honor the store policy or she will have no pie.

Isadora: Then I'll buy a whole pie. That's fine. I just want to talk. Here.

[SFX: Coins jingle in her pouch and then clatter onto the table.]

Isadora: Whatever that will get me is fine. I don't care.

[SFX: Sig gets the pie.]

Sig: Dealer's choice, huh? Then let's go with apple. My personal favorite. But this is cold. Let me heat it up for you. Happy, can you get it?

Happy: As you wish.

[SFX: A woosh of fire.]

Isadora (alarmed): You just--! Fire! Out of your hand! Without a spell!

Happy: Aberrant Ones can do many things beyond human capabilities.

Isadora (even more alarmed): An Aberrant One!?

[SFX: She draws her sword with a sick flourish.]

Sig: Woah, woah, woah! Happy, stop freaking out the humans with your Aberrant One talk. And, you, put that sword back in its sheath. Happy isn't gonna hurt anyone. He just always sounds like he is. And I'm not gonna talk to you if you stab my best friend. I mean, I probably will but it'll be more like, "How dare you," and, "You'll pay for this."

[SFX: She slowly re-sheathes her sword]

Isadora: So you'll talk to me then?

Sig: I will, but I'd prepare for disappointment if I were you. So, what's the story this time? You said there was a prophecy. Is this one of those "find a lost treasure" things or is it more life or death?

Isadora: The second. If it was just for treasure, it wouldn't concern me but a dreadlich will descend upon our kingdom and destroy everyone within its borders unless the one fated to either defeat him or die by his hand is located, given the sacred blade, and brought back. I, of course, was given the task as I am the strongest and most trustworthy of the Queensguard and, when I consulted the Oracle, all signs pointed to you. I have tirelessly followed the trail since and here I am, pleading for your help.

Sig: So you already have the sacred blade? You don't even want me to find it?

Isadora: Yes, I have it with me. Was that your issue? You didn't want to go looking for something we might not find? Because, if that's your only reservation--

Sig: No, no, no. I'm still not doing this. I just want to know, if you have the sacred blade and you know what you have to do, then why do you even need me? I mean, why don't you do it?

Isadora: Me?

Sig: Yeah. I mean, you're a knight. A really good one based on how fancy your armor is. In fact, you said you were the Queen's most trusted guard, right?

Isadora: Yes, we've known each other since we were young girls but--

Sig: So why would you--this fearsome warrior--cross the ocean to find me--a baker who has never successfully used a sword in his life--to fight a dreadlich--something you could not make me do for any amount of money--

Happy: One million, seven hundred and fifty thousand gold pieces.

Sig: What?

Happy: I would fight a dreadlich for one million, seven hundred and fifty thousand gold pieces.

Sig: Huh. Good to know I guess. And--uh, sorry. I never got your name.

Isadora: Lady Isadora.

Sig: Right. Lady Isadora. I've never seen you actually use that sword, but just by the way you're wearing it, I can promise you that you are 100% more qualified to fight the dreadlich than me. I mean, come on. Look at me. And look at you. Isn't this literally what you knight-types train for?

Isadora (hesitantly): I had considered that. And properly using a sword is a lot trickier than most people realize. It isn't just waving it around like a fan. There's technique and you have to build the strength and stamina to properly wield it. (sighs) I tried to explain this to the Queen and we got into a ridiculous argument about my safety, as if I wouldn't give my life for hers a million times over, but it doesn't matter either way because I can't wield the sword.

Sig: But I thought you were going to stab Happy with it?

Happy: She would not have come close.

Isadora: Oh, that's not the sacred sword. That one's mine. The sacred sword is in my pack. Uh, here, let me unwrap it and show you.

[SFX: She unbuckles her pack and then sets down the sword, unwrapping it. There’s an ambient energy aura around it.]

Isadora: See how you can almost feel the blessed energy? I would give anything to wield a weapon like this just once.

Sig: Well, you have it. Why don't you?

Isadora: Because I can't. See?

[SFX: She touches the hilt of the sword and, after a very brief moment, we hear sizzling.]

Isadora: Ah!

[SFX: She drops it and it clatters back down.]

Happy: It burned you.

Isadora: Only the chosen one can pull the sword from the sheath without being harmed. Which is why we need you. So please. The entire kingdom is at stake. Please say you'll help.

Sig: Hmm.

Isadora: What? What is it?

Sig: Just trying to get a better look at the sword. Do you mind if I hold it for a second?

Isadora: Of course not! Take it.

Sig: Hmm.

Isadora: Well?

[SFX: Sig pulls the sword from its sheath with an almost angelic sound]

Isadora (triumphant): You did it! This is wonderful!

Sig: It sure is. Here you go.

Isadora: Why are you handing me the sword? I told you, only the chosen one can use it.

Sig: No. Only the chosen one can pull it from its sheath. But anyone can use the sword. See for yourself.

Isadora: If I touch that, it'll burn me.

Sig: It won't.

Isadora: You just saw that it did.

Sig: Fine. Happy, take the sword.

[SFX: Happy takes the sword]

Happy: The blessed energy is unpleasant but I am otherwise uninjured.

Sig: See? Completely safe.

Isadora: But how? It should burn anyone else who touches it, even an Aberrant One. And how could you even tell?

Sig: It's the Truesight. Never fails. I could see that the spell effect didn't extend beyond the sheath. Really lazy spellwork honestly. Just put this sword in your normal sheath and you're good to go.

Isadora: You mean I can just...have it?

Sig: Are you kidding me? You're obviously the best person for the job and we definitely don't want it. Just go back home with the sword and tell everyone that you realized that you were the chosen one all along. They're not gonna question the lady with the glowing, blessed sword.

Isadora (choked up): This is...the most amazing...the biggest thing...how can I ever repay you?

Sig: Oh, uh can I keep the sheath? I bet I could win some bar room bets with it.

Isadora: (laughs) Of course. And here.

[SFX: She unsheathes her sword again]

Isadora: Have my old sword to go with it.

Sig: Eh...not really a sword guy.

Isadora (amused): But how will you bet people they can't pull the sword from the sheath with no sword to go with it?

Sig: Good point. I guess I'll take them both.

[SFX: He sheathes the sword.]

Isadora: If you don't mind my saying so, what was and still is a major concern for me seems like more of a...minor annoyance for you? I've never seen a sign like this before.

Sig: Yeah, this happens a lot more often than I'd like. There was...a lot going on when I was born. I set off basically any prophecy or chosen one alarms that are even remotely close to me.

Isadora: That's incredible. You are absolutely brimming with potential.
Sig: The only things I want to be brimming are this shop with customers and me with warm pie. Speaking of--you want to have a slice before you head out?

Isadora: I don't know. I--I shouldn't waste time. The kingdom is in danger.

Sig: Come on. I might not be good at swords, but I do make pies good enough that people who are good at swords would stab people over them.

Isadora (amused): Would they?

Sig: I mean they would if I could figure out how to get the word out about this place. And you can subtract this from the time you would have spent trying to teach me how to sword fight.

Isadora: Ha. You're right. You did save me a lot of time. And this pie does smell amazing.

Sig: Doesn't it? I can't believe we have so much leftover.

Happy: You do not sell them aggressively enough. The customer must be told what they want.

Sig: I keep telling you that is not how this works.

Happy: I get results.

[SFX: Fork scraping against plate]

Isadora: MMM. This is really good.

Sig: Do you want another one to take with you? Half price.

Happy: Full Price.

Sig: Happy.

Isadora: No, he's right. This is worth the full price. I'll pay, gladly.

[SFX: Coins clinking]

Happy: I. Get. Results.

Isadora: And, again. I can't thank you enough. If there's anything I can do--

[SFX: Armored Footsteps]

Sig: There is one thing.

Isadora: What is it?

Sig: Maybe between now and the next time there's some big prophecy or quest or something that needs a chosen one-type you can forget my address? Unless you just really want to cross the ocean for another slice of pie.

Isadora: I think I can arrange that.

[Music: Play out to credits with slow medieval music.]

Credits

Episode 1, “The Sword in the Sheath” was written and directed by Destiny Howell. The show is produced and edited by Audiohm Media with the theme music by Laurence Owen.

Starring the voice talents of; Wes Haas as Sig, Karsten Otto as Happy, and featuring Briar Zachary as Lady Isadora.

Special Thanks to Executive Taste Tester, Camille.

If you enjoyed the show, be sure to leave us a review and subscribe. You can find us online at noadventurespod.com or at our Twitter @noadventurespod for extras, transcripts, and absolutely no adventures.

Post-Credits Tag

Isadora: What would an Aberrant One even do with gold?

Happy (duh): Engage in commerce.

Isadora: Ah.

Dedication

This episode is dedicated to the loving memory of Gerald Ben-Ami. May you always have the greatest adventures.

Episode Two: Wicked Lost


laptop

[Music: Upbeat, Intro Music Plays]

Sig: Welcome to the Signature Eats bakery! I'm Sig and we've got breads, pies, cookies, cakes, and Absolutely No Adventures.

[Music: The Intro Music Plays Us Into The Scene]

[SFX: The front door opens and then slams.]

Sig: Happy! I'm back! Did it come? Is it here?

Happy: The mail has arrived.

Sig: Aaaaaand?

Happy: We received three letters.

[SFX: Letters Rustling]

Sig: Let me see those! Hmm. Invoice for that shipment of flour. Boring. An invitation to another award ceremony for Arnold.

Happy: Is it not Prince Arnold now?

Sig: Oh, my mistake. Another award ceremony for Prince Arnold. Ugh. That's even more boring than the flour. Pass. And--ugh. Another letter from Hexwell? How many times do I have to tell them no before they leave me alone? I'm not going to their stupid school.

Happy: Should I get rid of it?

Sig: Please.

[SFX: Happy destroys the letter with a blast of fire.]

Sig: Are you sure that was it?

Happy: Would you like me to locate the mail carrier and threaten to rend him limb from limb if he does not allow me to inspect the contents of his mail bag?

Sig: As always, thanks but no.

Happy: The offer stands. Did you obtain the items I requested?

Sig: I did but I thought you said they were baking supplies.

Happy: They are.

Sig: Some of the things in this bag are still moving, Happy!

Happy: And?

Sig: And? That's not normal!

Happy: What about it is abnormal?

Sig: Happy, name one ingredient that we use here on a regular basis that's still alive when we put it in the batter.

Happy: Yeast.

[SFX: There's a beat of silence.]

Sig: OK, name one more.

[SFX: The door opens and shuts again and we hear footsteps as someone walks in.]

[Note: Bea is pronounced "Bee" short for Beatrice.]

Bea: Uh, hello? Oh wow.

Sig: Oh, a customer. Let's table this. Hey! How're you doing? Welcome to Signature Eats Bakery. I'm Sig.

Bea (distracted): Uh...Bea.

Sig: You sure about that?

Bea: What? Oh, sorry. I'm just sorta distracted. This is all so weird. Like, something from a RenFair.

Happy: Ren...fair?

Bea: Yeah, like a Renaissance Fair. But I guess you guys don't have those here, huh? Oh, I didn't get your name. I'm Bea.

Happy: Happiness Escapes All Who Behold His Great and Terrible Visage.

Bea: Whose?

Sig: His.

Bea: His?

Happy: Mine.

Bea: Is that like a threat or his name?

Sig (at the same time as Happy): His name.

Happy (at the same time as Sig): Both.

[SFX: There is a beat of silence.]

Bea: Anyway, I've been walking for hours and I’m starving but I don't have any money. Or at least I don't have any money I think you guys will take so I was hoping maybe I could trade something for food? I'm not from around here.

Happy: That explains your strange clothes.

Sig: I wasn't going to blurt it out but I was curious about that too. I've never seen pants like that before. They're so...blue.

Bea (laughs): Jeans. And a t-shirt. Not even a clean one. You know, whenever I fantasized about getting whisked away to a magical world, I pictured myself wearing a shirt without a huge marinara stain on the front but at least I wasn't like, coming out of the shower or something, right?

Happy: I have a question.

Bea: Yes, Happiness Escapes...uh...Happiness Escapes Everyone--wait, I got this.

Happy: You do not, but I appreciate the attempt. You may call me Happy.

Bea: Oh, thank God.

Happy: And you described this as a magical world. Does that mean that the place where you are from does not contain magic?

Bea: I mean, I like to think it does but, scientifically speaking, no.

Happy: Sig, that sounds like--

SIg: Oh! You're right! It does!

Bea: It does what?

Sig: My mom wasn't from here either! She was from another place. Somewhere with no magic. She didn't talk about it much but I've seen it in her journal. Are you from Yourppee?

Bea: Are you trying to say Europe?

Sig (super excited): You've heard of it??

Bea: I mean, yeah. Of course.

Sig: Oh, man! This is so exciting! Arnie is gonna be so jealous! All of my brothers are. I never thought I'd meet anyone else from over there--wherever there is.

Bea: Yeah, I've been trying to figure that out. Is this, like, another planet or more of a second star to the right thing? Literally every sign I've seen so far has been in English and I have questions about that.

Sig: Huh?

Bea: Nevermind. But, hey! That's great! And if you're interested in learning more about your mom, I bet I have something I can trade you. Let me just open up my bag and--

[SFX: She zips her bag open and rifles through it.]

Bea: Hmm, let's see. Buncha pens if you want those. Do you guys have pens or do you just use, like, quills and ink? Oh, and do you have paper? Because, if not, I have some gently used notebooks I can throw in. I'll just--

[SFX: Paper ripping]

Bea: Rip out these unfinished grad school admission essays first.

Happy: What is this?

Bea: Right? Is it a tablet? Is it a laptop? It's a 2 in 1 so it's both! Oh!

[SFX: The laptop drops.]

Bea: Careful with that. It cost a lot of money and I kinda need it for, like, literally everything and--woah!

[SFX: Glowy noise]

Sig: Is that red stone supposed to glow like that?

Bea: It's not a part of it! It just flew out of the Sorceress's hand and melded with my laptop. But if it's glowing then that means--

Sig: Oh no.

Bea: One of you is the person who's gonna help me kill the witch so I can get home!

Sig (sighing deeply): Here we go.

Bea: What? Did I say something wrong? Should I not have said witch? Is that offensive?

Happy: I think whoever this witch is would find you attempting to kill them more offensive than whatever you call them while you do it.

Sig: Bea, you seem like a nice person so I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt here. Can you back up a little bit and explain to me how you got from, "I want to get home," to, "You have to help me commit a murder"?

Bea: Oh, I promise, it makes more sense in context. So, I was at home, working on an essay while this blizzard was going on outside. Well, I was actually scrolling on Netflix but I was right about to start on the essay when BAM! A branch crashed through my window and all this snow started coming in and swirling around me and it filled the entire room until I couldn't see anything and when it cleared, I was here. Well, not here-here. It was the middle of a town square. I mean, I think that's what it was but it was decked out like a Lisa Frank binder so maybe it was an 11-year-old girl's birthday party? Anyway, I'm all confused but then all the statues around me turn into real people and a lady shows up and says that I broke the curse this evil witch put on them. And the only way for me to get back to where I came from is to kill the witch once and for all.

Sig: Did she now?

Bea: Yeah. She gave me some pretty vague directions actually and she probably could have supplied me with some food or a map or literally anything but she said the stone would glow when I found someone who could help me and it's glowing so...

Sig: OK, so let me get this straight. You found yourself in a magical land where you know nothing about the customs or the politics or anything really and the first person you meet asks you to murder someone you've never met and you're completely on-board with that?

Bea: I have met her though! I forgot that part. She poofed in, threatened the Sorceress, and demanded I give her the stone but I couldn't because it was stuck. Then, she threatened to turn me into a statue if I didn't give it to her and she poofed away.

Sig: You forgot that part?

Bea: Hey, it's been a long day, OK?

Sig: That happened today? You've been here one day and you're ready to assassinate someone?

Bea: OK, assassinate is a really strong word.

Happy: From your descriptions, it sounds like you are speaking of Adelaide, the Serene Sorceress and Petra, the Crooked.

Bea (gasping): Yes! That was them!

[Sig laughs.]

Bea: What's so funny?

Sig: Oh man. Adelaide sent you to kill Petra? OH, I cannot believe her.

Bea: Why? If she turned all those people to stone, I can see why they'd want her dead.

Sig: Of course they want her dead. She only goes after them.

Bea: Them, who?

Sig: You know. The people who have the clout and money to retain a "Serene Sorceress". Nobles and the like. They're the only ones Petra goes after.

Happy: The forest that borders Solegard is a part of her ancestral land. Any attempts to encroach upon the existing borders are met with swift and exacting punishment.

Bea: But they said Petra was evil. "The Crooked" is literally in her name.

Sig: Sure, but who do you think gave her that name and made sure it caught on? Adelaide. Which has got to be projecting because Adelaide will literally work with anyone. Corrupt nobles. Robber Barons. Even Fae which everyone knows you just don't do if you know what's good for you.

Happy: She is a mercenary individual whereas Petra supports a specific cause.

Sig: Yeah, I'm not saying she's a model citizen or anything, but without her, the tree spirit population would probably be down to nil just so the local lumber tycoon could make a little extra money so, you know. Maybe the sorceress who works for all of the greediest people in the kingdom isn't the best source of information on the one person who stands in the way of them and total deforestation, among other things.

Bea: Huh.

Sig: Just something to think about.

Bea: But, if I don't kill her, how do I get back home? Who else is going to help me? I've been walking around for a full day and I haven't run into any other witches or sorceresses.

Sig: OK, maybe we wait more than one day before we put murder back on the table.

Bea: Wait. Didn't you say your mom was from where I'm from? How did she get here? Maybe I can use it to get back.

Sig: She never really talked about it. She always says she was just running away and here was as away as anyplace else so she didn't really question it when she ended up here.

Bea: Intriguing, but not super helpful.

Happy: What about your metal device?

Bea: My laptop?

Happy: You said you use it for everything. Can it assist with this?

Bea: No. It's not, like, "Beam Me Up Scotty." It's for things like finding and storing information and sending messages to people from far away.

Happy: Ah. So it is your spell repository and focus.

Bea: My what?

Sig: Like your spellbook and wand but in one. Didn't you call it a 2 in 1?

Bea: Yeah but my world doesn't have magic, remember?

Sig: Then how do you send messages over long distances?

Bea: With WiFi.

Happy: What is WiFi?

Bea: It's like...it's like there are invisible...signals I guess in the air and they get kinda...beamed over?

Sig and Happy: Magic.

Bea: It's not magic! Here, I'll show you. I'll just boot it up and--

[SFX: WiFi ping]

Bea: Wow! I have a really strong WiFi signal right now. This is better than the WiFi in my apartment. How do I even have a WiFi signal at all? Is Wifi just magic? Is science fake? Should I buy tarot cards?

Happy: Home.

Bea: Huh?

Happy: Right there, next to the jumbled letters on your device, it says the word Home.

Bea: Yeah. It takes you back to the Home screen.

SIg: Have you tried it?

Bea: Tried, what? Pressing the Home key to get back home? Come on. That's crazy.

Sig: No, you know what's crazy?

Bea (at the same time as Sig): Are you going to say murdering someone on your first day in town?

Sig (at the same time as Bea): Murdering someone on your first day in town.

Bea: Yeah, walked right into that one.

Sig: I know you don't think that device is magic, but it seems pretty magical to us and, either way, now it has a big chunk of magic rock stuck into it so if it wasn't magic before, it probably is now. I say that, unless touching that might somehow accidentally kill someone, it's worth a try.

Bea: Is there any special way to do this or do I just press it?

Happy: Magic is largely a matter of intent so think of where you intend to be and press it.

Bea: OK. Here goes nothing. Oh! Wait! I never traded you anything!

Sig: Neither did we.

Bea: No, but you did stop me from trying to kill someone, which is a phrase that sounds more wild every time I say it. I should give you something. Here, there's gotta be something in here you guys want.

Happy: Hmm. What is this?

Bea: Oh, that's a baseball cap someone gave me as a joke. But you don't want--and you're putting it on.

Happy: I like it.

Bea: It's bright sparkly pink and it says Business Babe on it in silver glitter.

Happy: The bright color is eye catching and suggests danger. And I am a but a babe in matters of business.

Bea: I--

Sig: Yeah, you're not gonna talk him out of this one.

Bea: Alrighty, well, easy trade for me. Enjoy the hat Business Babe.

Happy (solemnly): I will.

Bea (amused): OK.

[SFX: She zips up her backpack.]

Bea: Let's see if this works. I've always wanted to say this. There's no place like home.

[SFX: She presses the button, the room begins to rattle, and there's a sound almost like an email wooshing away as she disappears.]

Sig: See? Magic. I knew it.

Happy: I do not think Sorceress Adelaide is going to be happy that Bea left with the magic stone and without completing her task.

Sig: Serves her right for trying to ambush a stranger into a murder quest. And speaking of serving things right, do you wanna show me how exactly you bake with these--

[SFX: His bags rustle and then he stops.]

Sig: Oh no.

Happy: What?

Sig: They've escaped.

[SFX: Giggling and skittering]

Happy (extremely seriously): I will get the sword.

[SFX: Happy walks off.]

[Music: Play out to credits with slow medieval music.]

Credits

Episode 2, “Wicked Lost” was written and directed by Destiny Howell. The show is produced and edited by Audiohm Media with theme music by Laurence Owen.

Starring the voice talents of; Wes Haas as Sig, Karsten Otto as Happy, and Sarah Ruth Thomas as Bea.

If you enjoyed the show, be sure to leave us a review and subscribe. You can find us online at noadventurespod.com or at our Twitter @noadventurespod for extras, transcripts, and absolutely no adventures.

Post-Credits Tag

[SFX: Bea's teleportation woosh]

Bea: Woah. It worked! I'm home!

[SFX: Beat.]

Bea (disapointed): Aw.

Episode Three: Admission Impossible


stately castle

[Music: Upbeat, Intro Music Plays]

Sig: Welcome to the Signature Eats bakery! I'm Sig and we've got breads, pies, cookies, cakes, and Absolutely No Adventures.

[Music: The Intro Music Plays Us Into The Scene]

[SFX: Fire crackles in the background.]

Happy: Here is your change. I demand you have a pleasant day.

[SFX: The door to the back room creaks open.]

[SFX: As the foregoing conversation takes place, we hear the front door open and close in the background.]

Sig (quietly): Happy. Hey, Happy.

Happy: What?

Sig: Is he still here?

Happy: He has not moved since he arrived two hours ago.

Sig: Ugh. Why won't they just give it up?

Happy: They have been remarkably persistent. Ignoring and avoiding him as you have attempted to do has not worked. I do not believe this one will leave until you either speak with him or force him out.

Sig: Aww, man. Can't I just hide in the back some more?

Happy: You can try, but I suspect he will simply come back tomorrow.

Sig: Ugh, fine. You get the loaves out of the oven. I'll talk to the guy.

[SFX: The back door opens wider and Sig walks to the front counter as the door shuts.]

Sig: OK, let's just get this over with. Happy said you wanted to talk to me?

Oliver: Yes, my name is Oliver and I am a representative from--

Sig: From Hexwell. I can tell.

Oliver: Well, I'll take that as a compliment.

Sig: You would.

Oliver: Anyhow, I was sent to come speak with you in person because we haven't gotten a response to any of the admission letters we sent you.

Sig: No, what you mean is you haven't gotten the response you wanted to any of the admission letters you sent me. I said no to the first couple and then you kept sending them which is when I started incinerating them without opening them.

Oliver: Well, you have to understand, Hexwell is a very selective institution. People come from all over the world to study at our school.

Sig: I know. So give my spot to one of them. I don't even know how I got in to begin with. I didn't apply.

Oliver: Those with Oracular abilities at Hexwell flag certain special individuals to monitor for admission potential and you turned quite a few heads.

Sig: Yeah, I tend to do that. Listen, thank you for your interest but you don't have mine. My interest I mean. So you can go back to whoever sent you and--

Oliver: Excuse me but I was sent by Headmistress Charmian Heath herself and I am not to return until this admission slot is filled.

Sig: Well no offense but that sounds more like her problem than mine. So if that's all you have to say then--

Oliver: I don't think you understand what I'm offering you here.

Sig: Oh yes I do. One of my brothers went to your school.

Oliver: Oh, did he? That's wonderful! Was he Trueclaw or Direbeak?

Sig: Well, first of all, he was Trueclaw and I'm kinda offended you even asked me that. Second of all, it wasn't wonderful. Kurt came home every break with at least three new stories about how he almost died or how the world almost ended or both. Usually both.

Oliver: Wait, Kurt? Kurt who defeated the third to last incarnation of the Avatar of the Dark?

Sig: That's him.

Oliver: I didn't realize. Headmistress Heath didn't mention that fact to me.

Sig: It's almost like your school is poorly run or something.

Oliver: Excuse me! Hexwell is an exemplary institution. I can't think of one example of mismanagement in all the time I've worked there.

Sig: OK, how about the fact that you start every year by separating the good students and the evil students but then you still teach the evil students advanced magic instead of, I don't know, kicking them out or sending them to therapy or maybe calling the authorities?

Oliver: See, this is exactly the kind of misconception I'm here to clear up. Only 30% of all graduates of the Direbeak cohort end up working with, for, or as the current Avatar of the Dark.

Sig: That's still super high! You know how many bakers I know who worked with the last Avatar of the Dark? Zero! OK, technically one but all she did was make the cake for his Dark Ascension and she was told it was for a surprise party which, technically wasn't untrue.

Oliver: Well, you have to admit, though not ideal, those are prestigious positions.

[SFX: The back door opens.]

Oliver: Ancient evils seek only the most qualified candidates when plotting the machinations of the end of days.

[SFX: The back door slams closed.]

Happy: He is correct.

Sig: That is not helping to convince me, believe it or not.

Oliver: I'll admit that a lot of Avatars of the Dark and minions of the Avatars of the Dark do come from our school--

Sig: From a very specific pool of students from your school.

Oliver: BUT, so do most of the people who end up STOPPING the Avatars and, if you're concerned about the next one then it might interest you to know that there is a prophecy about the next hero and the person it describes sounds a lot like--

[SFX: The items in the bakery begin to rattle and then there is a loud sound like an email wooshing. The same as Bea's teleportation from last episode.]

Bea: Woah. Ha! It worked!

Happy: Is that--?

Sig: Bea?

Bea: Sig! And Happy! Wearing the hat I see. Looks good on you. How are you guys doing?

Sig: How are we doing? How are you here?

Bea: As soon as I got home I started trying to figure out a way to get back, obviously! Like, what? I was supposed to learn that magic exists and then just go back to filling out grad school applications? No thank you. I tried to recreate what I was doing when I got here the first time for like a month but that didn't work so then I thought about what you guys said about magic being mostly intent so I tried to code a program that would do it since this magic rock is still lodged in my laptop and bing-bam-boom, I'm in your bakery!

Happy: Code a program?

Bea: It's...a way to talk to the laptop.

Happy (satisfied): Spellcraft.

Bea: So, what did I miss? What's going on? Ooh, did you get a cat? Can I pet it? Oh--

[SFX: Oliver recoils with a cat's 'mrow' of annoyance.]

Oliver: I am a him not an it and I decide who does and does not pet me, thank you very much.

Bea: Oh my God, I'm so sorry. Oh my God, I didn't realize cats were magic here.

Oliver: All cats are magic.

Bea: No, I mean, where I come from, cats don't talk.

Oliver: Not all cats talk but all cats are magic.

Bea: I don't have any way to look that up so I'm just going to take your word for it, Talking Cat.

Oliver (mumbling): You know, I have a name.

Bea: Is this a bad time? I can go wait in a corner or something until you're done with your conversation with the cat or actually can I just wait here? This is the coolest thing I've seen all...ever. It's the coolest thing I've seen ever.

Sig: Nah, it's not important. Oliver here was just trying to convince me to enroll in--wait. Didn't you say you were applying for grad school?

Bea: Not as hard as I should, but yeah. Computer sciences.

Sig: How would you like to study magic instead.

Bea: NO! SHUT UP? Are you serious?

Sig: I--

Happy (intense): Did you not hear her tell you to cease speaking?

Bea: No! Keep speaking! Say more words now!

Sig: Oliver here is trying to recruit me to his little magic school but I don't wanna go which means there's a spot wide open if you wanna take it.

Bea: Literally I have never wanted anything more in my entire life.

Oliver: Now wait just a moment! This is not how this works. I can't just bring some random girl.

Sig: But you can't go back without the spot being filled, right? That's what you said. And there she is, extremely willing to do something she knows almost nothing about, just like you want.

Bea: Super, super willing. Like, you don't even know how willing I am.

Oliver: But the prophecy!

Bea: Oh my God, there's a prophecy? Yes! This just keeps getting better and better.

Oliver: There is a prophecy which is why we can't just admit any old student. We need you, Sig.

Sig: No, you just need someone who fits the prophecy and those are always way more flexible than people think. What does it actually say?

Oliver: The prophecy says that the hero to defeat the Avatar of the Dark this cycle will have one foot in each world.

Sig: Well, there you go. Bea is from another world--you saw her poof in and you see how she's dressed--and now she's here. Foot in each world.

Bea: Plus my mom's a Yankees fan but my dad's a Sox fan.

Sig: Don't know what that means but sure. Box checked.

Oliver: That's not all! The hero is also supposed to be found at this exact location.

Happy: Is this not where you found her?

Oliver: Well yes, but only because she happened to be here!

Sig: I also just happened to be here.

Oliver: You work here!

Sig: Yeah, so how prophetic is it that I am where I'm expected to be? She and I are both equally here right now and it's a lot more amazing for her than for me.

Oliver: OK, but how about this. The chosen one is supposed to have abilities beyond a normal human. Beyond even a normal mage.

Happy: That one is simple. Bea wields the mystical powers of the WiFi.

Oliver: The what?

Bea: Oh! Oh! Let me show you. Watch as I...uh...I uh...hold on, lemme think. Oh! Watch as I summon an entire symphony with push of a button.

[SFX: She presses a key and music starts to play.]

Oliver: Hmm. That is interesting. And you were able to transport yourself here which is noteworthy I suppose.

Sig: There you go. Spot to be filled. Special, chosen-y person to fill it. What do you say?

Oliver: Well...I suppose--

Bea: Yes! You won't regret this I promise. Let me shut this off.

[SFX: She turns it off.]

Bea: Now is there financial aid paperwork to fill out or an admission form or anything like that? Do you guys have a website? I'm still not clear on whether WiFi is literally magic or not.

Oliver: Your tuition will be covered and there is no paperwork. Simply pin this medallion to your chest and it will shift to confirm your admission and your placement in a house.

Bea: Aw man, there are houses too? This is just like--

[SFX: There is a magical sound effect kind of like a splat as the medallion shifts.]

Oliver: What? That can't be right.

Bea: Cute! It's a little frog.

Happy: It is a toad. That is the emblem of Toad House.

Sig: Ha! Toad House? She's in Toad House? That's fantastic!

Bea: What's Toad House?

Sig: The Hexwells--the triplets who originally made the school--separated the students into three houses for logistical reasons. Or, at least, it was supposed to be for logistical reasons but the brothers--What's his face and what's his name--

Oliver (almost offended): Madrigal and Florian.

Sig: Sure. They had this intense sibling rivalry going on which they absolutely let bleed into the management of their terribly run school. But they had a sister--Celeste--who clearly got all the common sense out of the three of them because she realized that they were still running a school so instead of coming up with a dramatic name or mascot for her house, she just focused on building solid infrastructure and properly vetting professors.

Oliver: I thought you said Hexwell was mismanaged.

Sig: Oh, it super is. When I'm complaining about Hexwell, assume I'm not including Toad House. Toad House is great.

Oliver: Not a single notable student has ever graduated from Toad House.

Happy: 80% of magic related jobs in the region are filled by graduates of Toad House. That increases to 90% during times that a large portion of Trueclaw and Direbeak students are in short supply due to getting involved on opposite sides of a Dark uprising.

Oliver: This is awful. Giving the chosen one's spot to a Toad House student? I'll get fired for this. And I can't take back the medallion once I've given it. It's a binding magical contract.

Sig: See, these are exactly the kinds of management problems I've been talking about. Maybe if you used less arcane magical rituals and more normal paperwork, you wouldn't be dealing with this right now. But, flipside, Bea, congratulations!

Bea: I'm so excited! I still don't have any money but I feel like this is a cake thing. How do I make this a cake thing? Can I trade you something?

Sig: Oh no. You actually did me a huge favor here. Cake is on me. Matter of fact? Cake for everyone!

[SFX: There's a beat of silence.]

Sig: That would have been a lot more impressive if anyone else was in here.

Happy: I will cut the cake.

[SFX: Happy exits through the back door to get cake.]

Bea: Oliver, you're not gonna regret this. I got straight A's in all of high school and I had a 3.8 GPA in college and I am so not gonna let you down. Toad House for life!

[SFX: Oliver makes a kind of cat-like sound of annoyance.]

Bea: Aww, come on. Do you want cake?

Oliver: I don't want cake.

Bea: Do you want pets

[SFX: There's a beat of silence.]

Oliver: Yes.

Bea: Yeah you do!

[SFX: She pets him and, after a second of silence, he grudgingly starts purring.]

Oliver: Oh that’s it, oh lovely.

[Music: Play out to credits with slow medieval music.]

Credits

Episode 3, “Admission Impossible” was written and directed by Destiny Howell. The show is produced and edited by Audiohm Media.

Sig is voiced by Wes Haas. Happy is voiced by Karsten Otto. Bea is voiced by Sarah Ruth. This episode featured Andrew Oakes as the voice of Oliver.

If you enjoyed the show, be sure to leave us a review and subscribe. You can find us online at noadventurespod.com or at our Twitter @noadventurespod for extras, transcripts, and absolutely no adventures.

Post-Credits Tag

Bea: You don't usually deliver your admission letters by owl, do you?

Oliver: Of course not. That would be ridiculous.

Bea: Oh, that would be ridiculous.

Episode Four: Happy Days


lightning strike

[Music: Upbeat, Intro Music Plays]

Sig: Welcome to the Signature Eats bakery! I'm Sig and we've got breads, pies, cookies, cakes, and Absolutely No Adventures.

[Music: The Intro Music Plays Us Into The Scene]

[SFX: The front door opens and slams.]

Sig: I got the mail! There's a letter from Bea. Sounds like she's having a good time at Hexwell. She wants to come over and tell us about it when school breaks for Janustide.

Happy: That would be agreeable.

Sig: Yeah, I was thinking of inviting her anyway. I want to try out some new recipes and she's a very enthusiastic taste tester. Honestly, she's a really enthusiastic everything. Also got an update from Chuck and the other two youngest on their last quest. He says hi. Oh, there's a letter for you too. Here.

Happy: I was not anticipating a letter.

[SFX: He opens the letter.]

Sig: What does it say? Happy? Are you alright? Your face is turning a color I don't think faces should turn. Even yours.

Happy: My brood mother is coming to evaluate my progress.

Sig: What? When?

Happy: Now.

Sig: Now!?

[SFX: There is a huge crack of lightning, Frankenstein style.]

[Sig sighs hugely.]

Sig: Oh boy.

Happy: Sig, this meeting going well is of the utmost importance. If it does not--

SIg: Happy, don't worry. I got this.

[SFX: The door is flung open dramatically with another huge crack of lightning. It is followed by cartoon birds and classic “nice day” ambience.]

Terri: I have arrived.

Sig: Very normal way to enter a building. Hi, I'm Sig. This is the Signature Eats Bakery. We're actually closed right now but I'm guessing you want to come in from the rain.

Terri: Rain?

Sig (so wry): Yeah, the rain. You know, because of those two huge cracks of lightning. It must be absolutely pouring out there. But wait, no. You're bone dry. You know what? I bet it's about to rain. That must be it. Right Happy?

Happy (warning): Sig.

Sig: Yeah, that must be it. Come in. What can I do for you? What's your name?

[SFX: The door closes.]

Terri: Terror Fills the Hearts of All Who Enter Her Fearsome Presence.

Sig: An extremely normal, human name.

Terri: Thank you. Yours is as well. You may call me Terri. And I am here regarding your work companion.

Sig: Oh, Happy? What about him?

Terri: He is my offspring and I have arrived to assess his progress.

SIg: Ah, of course. I can see the family resemblance in your absolute lack of any kind of resemblance except for your extremely unsettling, unfathomably deep, inky black eyes. I love a family reunion, don't you? You know what this calls for? Food. Let's get you some food. Hmm, what do we have leftover? We've got some bread, some muffins, and some souls of the innocent. What sounds good?

Terri: Souls of the innocent.

Sig: Coming right--oh, wait. We sold the last one before you got here. Darn. Is a muffin OK?

Terri: That is acceptable.

Sig: Fantastic. Cinnamon or Blueberry?

Terri: Blueberry.

Sig: What was that?

Terri: Blueberry.

Sig: Sorry, didn't quite catch that.

Terri (Aberrant One Echo): BLUEBERRY.

Happy (super annoyed): Sig.

Sig: Heard you loud and clear that time.

Happy (grit teeth): Perhaps you should go to the oven and warm the muffin.

Sig: Good idea. Let you two catch up. I'll be back in a sec.

[SFX: He leaves and the back door opens and shuts.]

Terri: The Vessel seems to have not caught on to your true nature. And I am not as skilled at interacting with mortals as you but I trust that I was convincing as well.

Happy: It was a...remarkable performance.

Terri: Naturally. Though it seems as though you have done an adequate job at integrating yourself into his life without suspicion, I see no evidence that you have progressed in your prime objective in any way.

Happy: What information are you using to make that assessment? You have been here observing myself and Sig for less than five minutes.

Terri: And, in that time, I observed no hint of madness, no rent garments, no arcane symbols scrawled in fresh blood.

Happy: This is his place of business. He would not deface the walls with his blood. It would scare away customers.

Terri (hopeful): Are you saying the scrawlings are in the back room?

Happy: That is not what I am saying.

Terri: Disappointing.

Happy: The lack of blood markings is not an indictment on my progress. I have been employing a more subtle strategy. I would not have been sent to do this job if the others did not think I could accomplish it.

Terri: I do not know that you appreciate the gravity of this situation.

Happy: I do. Sig is meant to be the Supreme Cultist. Securing a hold on his mind is essential to our retaking the world and plunging it back into its rightful state of primordial chaos.

Terri: All signs point to him being the only one who can perform the proper rituals to raise us into the material plane in our true forms instead of being forced to interact with the world in these pathetic, human bodies or, even worse, through corrupting souls and having them do our bidding. Though this would be a lot simpler if he would simply submit to corruption. Unfortunately, his mind is naturally protected from our usual tactics. A shame.

Happy: Which is why my tactics are necessary.

Terri: You are not pushing hard enough.

Happy: I am pushing as hard as the task requires. Sig--

Terri: The Vessel must be prepared and, if you cannot do it, we will find someone who can.

Happy (grit teeth): I am am perfectly capable of ensuring that Sig--

Terri: And you call the Vessel by his name. As if he is a pet.

Happy (increasingly annoyed): Would you have me call him the Vessel to his face? Do you think that would help endear myself to him?

Terri: He is not present at the moment. Why does it matter how you address him?

Happy: It is important that I remain in character as to not slip up in his presence.

Terri: If you believe that is even a possibility, perhaps I should recommend a replacement be found for you.

Happy (betraying emotion): No!

Terri: You dare raise your voice at me?

Happy: I only meant--

[SFX: The door very suddenly swings open then closes.]

Sig: Who wants muffins? Fresh out of the oven. Well, freshly reheated out of the oven. Blueberry, as requested.

[SFX: He sets down the plate on the counter.]

Sig: Happy made those you know. He's my number one employee. I mean, he's my only employee but even if I had others he'd still be the best. He's punctual and hardworking and ph'nglui mglw'nafh Happy R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.

Terri: What did you say?

Sig: Good with customers. He's punctual, hardworking, and good with customers. And he's always expanding my horizons baking-wise. I mean, the other day, he made me this blood cake thing--I mean, he called it a blood cake but I'm sure it wasn't actually made out of blood. That would be weird. I mean, it only kind of tasted like blood. Anyway, I don't 100% remember what happened after that but I woke up in a field covered in sheep's blood which was weird because there were no sheep. Honestly, not even sure how I knew it was sheep's blood. Anyway, I've been craving another one of those cakes ever since. You think you can make me another one of those when you have a second?

Happy: I...of course.

Sig: Great. If it makes me so sleepy I completely black out like last time, that would be great.

[Sig yawns.]

Sig: I haven't been getting great sleep, what with the nightmares and all.

Happy: Nightmares?

Sig: Have I not told you about the nightmares? I mean, they've been going on for a while since...ten months ago? Eleven? Happy, when did I hire you? It was around then.

Happy: Eleven months.

Sig: Wow, that long? I'm surprised it hasn't come up then. Oh, you know what it probably is? Do you guys ever have a dream that's so existentially horrifying that you don't have the vocabulary to properly describe it? You know, the kind of thing that yi-nash-Hap-Py-he-lgeb-fi-throdog-Yah?

Terri: What was that?

Sig: The kind of thing that your brain refuses to properly comprehend. You know, like seeing a beautiful sunset but in reverse.

Terri: I see.

Sig: Does that make sense?

Terri: I believe it does. I think I have learned what I came here to learn.

Sig: Leaving so soon? But you haven't touched your muffin.

Terri: I will leave you to your work but do not become too complacent in the pursuit of...baking lest you find yourself replaced. I will return when the time is right.

Sig: Just another super normal thing for a human person to say.

[SFX: She opens the door dramatically and slams it with a crack of lightning.]

Sig: Wow, you were not kidding about her. She is a LOT. I know you always say that you were the least dramatic Aberrant One and that's why they sent you to try and blend in but I was not ready for that.

Happy: Incorrect. You were far more ready than I anticipated.

Sig: So I did good? I thought I might be laying it on a little thick there but I heard her talking to you and I thought I better go big. By the way, I have no idea what I said. I just copied things I've heard you say in Aberrant.

Happy: Your pronunciation is atrocious but the effect was as you intended. I...I should apologize.

Sig: For what?

Happy: I feared you were not taking this seriously. Clearly, I was wrong.

Sig: Oh, come on Hap. I couldn't resist messing with her a little because, well, because it was extremely easy and very fun but I wasn't going to leave you hanging. If you lose your job, they're just gonna send someone who actually wants to ruin the world by forcing me into some dumb Aberrant prophecy. I'd much rather have you. Anyway, I know how annoying it is to get dragged into something like this. I hate it when it happens to me. That's why I put up that sign. I'm not about to let it happen to you.

Happy: That is...I appreciate the sentiment and share it.

Sig: You wanna share this muffin too? I went through the trouble of warming it up. Might as well.

Happy: I would accept half a muffin.

[SFX: He breaks the muffin.]

Sig: Here bud. Ha.

Happy: What?

Sig: It's just funny. Out of all the Aberrant Ones they could have sent after me, they sent the one with baking talent and no world conquering aspirations.

Happy: That you know of.

Sig: Ha, right.

[SFX: A beat of silence]

Sig: Wait, that's a joke, right Happy? You're joking. Happy? Happy!?

[Music: Play out to credits with slow medieval music.]

Credits
Episode 4, “Happy Days” was written and directed by Destiny Howell. The show is produced and edited by Audiohm Media with theme music by Laurence Owen.

Starring the voice talents of; Wes Haas as Sig, Karsten Otto as Happy, and featuring Demitra Papadinis as Terri.

If you enjoyed the show, be sure to leave us a review and subscribe. You can find us online at noadventurespod.com or at our Twitter @noadventurespod for extras, transcripts, and absolutely no adventures.

Post-Credits Tag
Sig: Yi-nash--

Happy: No.

Sig: Yi-nash--

Happy: No.

Sig: Yi--

Happy: No.

Sig: Oh, forget it!

Episode Five: Vampire Weekend


black and white hanging 'closed' sign

[Music: Upbeat, Intro Music Plays]

Sig: Welcome to the Signature Eats bakery! I'm Sig and we've got breads, pies, cookies, cakes, and Absolutely No Adventures.

[Music: The Intro Music Plays Us Into The Scene]

[SFX: We hear pounding as Sig nails something to the door of the bakery.]

Bea: OK, correct me if I'm wrong--I've been learning a lot of crazy things lately so I could be confused--but isn't Janustide the holiday where everyone goes over to their friends houses and they hole up for three days eating junk food and playing games without going out?

Happy: That is correct.

Bea: And Janustide is the holiday that's happening right now, right? I didn't get it mixed up with a different one?

Happy: You have not mixed it up.

Bea: OK, so explain to me why Sig is nailing a clove of garlic to the door.

[SFX: The banging stops.]

Sig: Sig is nailing a clove of garlic to the door because his life is filled with too many random omens for him to not be a little superstitious.

Happy: He wishes to avoid being stricken with vampirism.

Bea: Vampirism?

Sig: I wish for all of us to avoid being stricken with vampirism. You're welcome.

Bea: Wait, rewind. What does having a three day sleepover have to do with vampires?

Sig: No one mentioned this to you?

Bea: No! I would have remembered that! I thought Janustide meant Chill Out Day not Vampire Day.

Happy: It means neither.

Sig: It's kinda both but technically Janustide means Doorway Time. Speaking of...

[SFX: He shuts the door.]

Sig: We are officially sealed in. Merry Janustide guys.

Happy: Merry Janustide.

Bea: Yeah, Merry Janustide. And that doesn't clear things up at all.

Sig: OK, so a long time ago, way back when people were still settling in the area, some scouts came to town to say there was a swarm of vampires coming. Well, I say town but it was more like a camp. There were only two actual structures built. Not very defensive. And the settlers had some weapons, but they were meant for hunting animals, not vampires and definitely not that many vampires.

Bea: They couldn't run away or get help?

Sig: There was nowhere to run to and no one to get help from. Like I said, they were settlers. They were in the middle of nowhere.

Bea: So what did they do?

Sig: They remembered that vampires can't cross the threshold--the doorway--of a building unless they have an invitation so they packed the two finished buildings with food, nailed garlic to the doors, and hunkered down.

Bea: For three days.

Sig: Exactly. The vampires passed through and banged on the walls and yelled and all that but they couldn't get in and, eventually, they all starved or fled. Every year after that, they re-enacted it in remembrance and boom. Janustide. Of course, it's more an excuse to see friends and not go to work now but that's where it comes from. A little weird, I know but--

Bea: Nah. Back home, we have a holiday where a groundhog predicts the weather so I don't think I have that much room to judge. But, wait. Vampires and garlic and having to be invited in. That's all real?

Sig: Yup.

Bea: Does that mean other stuff is too? Like, werewolves and silver?

Happy: It is their main weakness, yes.

Bea: What about faries and iron?

Sig: They can't even touch it without protection.

Bea: And stakes through the heart? That's vampires again.

Sig: I think a stake through the heart would kill most things.

Bea: Huh. True. Well, good to know I guess.

Sig: Why are you asking us all these questions? They aren't teaching you this stuff at your special, fancy, magic school? Speaking of, how is that going?

Bea: Great! It's been so fun. Spells are actually a lot like coding so it's not that different than what I was already doing. Except obviously way cooler. Like, watch this. Uh...oh! Sig, throw something at me. Throw that hammer!

Sig: What? No?

Bea: Come on. Just chuck the hammer at me.

Sig: Bea, I'm not gonna--

Bea: Happy, throw something at me.

Sig: Happy, don't--

Happy: Done.

[SFX: His sentence is interrupted by Happy shooting out a jet of fire. The sound of fire is cut off by what sounds like a computer error pop-up effect as Bea says--]

Bea: Shield! Ha, denied!

Happy: A very well constructed shield. I am impressed.

Bea: Aww, thanks Happy. Yeah, I've been working really hard. It's crazy because so many of the other students act like...like they're forced to be there? They're like, "Oh, I don't wanna do homework," but I'm like, "Dude! We're learning how to do magic. How is that not the coolest thing ever?" Although, I guess you don't think it is or else you'd be at that school instead of me.

Sig: Eh, magic is cool, don't get me wrong. I'm just more interested in baking. Besides, I don't want to get caught up in whatever ridiculousness is gonna happen this year.

Bea: You keep telling me that but I'm not getting those vibes at all. Everything's been pretty chill. Not that I'm complaining or anything but with all the prophecy talk, I was expecting more excitement.

Sig: Well yeah, you're in Toad House--the best house. But just wait. Before the end of the year something crazy is going to happen. Have you heard about any mysterious whisperings yet?

Bea: No.

Sig: Have they been instituting weird curfews without telling you why? They did that Kurt's year and it was because all the statues were coming to life and trying to kill the non Direbeak students.

Bea: No but for sure tell me about that. It sounds wild.

Sig: No random cryptic warnings?

Bea: No I--wait actually. They did put up a new sign telling us to stay out of the North Tower.

Sig: Uh-huh. There we go. There's that good old Hexwell chaos-in-waiting getting ready to sweep you up.

Bea: Sig, I'll be fine.

Sig: Mmm. Just be careful. And don't get sucked into anything you don't want to do!

Bea: Geez, Sig. Don't you think you're being a little intense?

Sig: No, I think I'm being basically the right level of intense.

Happy: I have a great deal of knowledge about Sig's childhood and his abundance of caution stems from life experience, not simple paranoia.

Sig: Translation, I know what I'm talking about.

Bea: Never said I doubted you but...

Sig: What?

Bea: I don't know if I should say.

Happy (reciting): No truth shall hide at Janustide.

Bea: What?

Sig: It's a part of the holiday. Everyone thought they might get eaten by vampires so they were blurting out secrets left and right, just in case they didn't get a chance to say them later.

Happy: Janustide is the number one time of the year for proposals of both marriage and divorce.

Sig: Everyone asks important questions during Janustide because we're trapped in a room together for three days and, also, it's supposed to be bad luck if you don't answer so it's the best time to ask really.

Bea: I mean, if it's traditional...

Sig: Bea, just ask.

Bea: What's your deal? Like, you kinda mention it sometimes but I've never asked because it doesn't sound like you like to talk about it.

Sig: No, it's not that I mind talking about it. I just hate when it's the only thing people want to talk about. I was...you remember when Oliver was here and trying to get me to go to Hexwell but then we convinced him to take you instead?

Bea: Of course. He thought you were the chosen one.

Sig: Yeah. But that's the thing. I am, potentially, the chosen one of a lot of things.

Happy: Sig had what is referred to as a Miraculously Portentous Birth.

Sig: That's how you get chosen ones usually. Significant portents. Like, being born on the night of a full moon or under a certain star sign. Things like that.

Bea: So you were born under a portent?

Sig: I wish it was only one. When I was born, the big moon was full and the little moon was eclipsed. Not only that, the planets were aligned and it was a leap day. On top of that, I'm a seventh son of a seventh son which matters for some reason and, oh. You already know my mom was from your world which makes me a child of two worlds. Very rare--except, you know, my six brothers. And speaking of my mom, she had trouble birthing me so they had to cut me out of her through her stomach which I guess technically means I was never "birthed" which opens up a lot of loopholes. And I have this stupid birthmark on my shoulder here that everyone says looks like something different.

Bea: Oh, you're right. It's like one of those Rorschach tests.

[A pause.]

Bea: I see two dogs fighting over a sandwich.

Sig: That's what the Earl from Helmund said before he asked me to come back with him and return his family to its former glory.

Bea: Did you do it?

Sig: I mean, I was ten so no.

Bea: You were ten!? What did he expect you to do?

Sig: Same as everyone. Save the kingdom, or the world, or the princess or whatever. Whatever needs to be done, I'm supposed to drop everything and go do it. Not that there's anything wrong with doing that. I mean, all six of my brothers are out doing the hero thing. They're all really awesome. You should meet them at some point. But I'm not into any of that. I never have been.

Bea: Huh. You know, I always thought being a chosen one would feel kind of special. Like, I felt kinda special when I got your chosen one spot, even though we made all that up.

Sig: I guess it comes down to who's doing the choosing. It doesn't feel super special when you get chosen randomly by Fate or Destiny or some prophecy you've never heard of. None of those people care about who I actually am or the skills I've worked to develop. No one's interested when I say, "Hey, let's talk pastries." They only care that I was born with a weird birthmark and Truesight--which is the one real perk of this whole Chosen One thing by the way. Even Happy is only friends with me because his people sent him to convince me to help end the world.

Happy: Not end it. Plunge it into unending chaos.

Bea: Wait, what?

Happy: And, as I have noted in the past, even though that is how we met, in the extremely unlikely event that we had met under other circumstances and I refrained from turning you to madness for long enough for you to make an impression on me, I am confident that I still would have found you sufficiently diverting to take an interest in.

Bea: Translation: You're awesome! And anyone who's trying to take advantage of you for your portentous birth thing is an idiot. Especially since what they should really be taking advantage of you for is your baking skills. Those cookies you guys sent me last month were so good.

SIg: That was Happy's idea.

Bea: Thanks Happy. Sidenote, for sure have some followup questions on that whole plunging the world into chaos thing but, right now, I am gonna return the friendship favor. Catch!

[SFX: Happy catches the bag thrown at him.]

Happy: What is this? Chee-toes?

Bea: You bet. And I still haven't gotten a clear answer on the whole Wifi thing but we're not gonna worry about that right now. We're just gonna use it to get on Netflix.

Sig: You mentioned that word before. What's Netflix?

Bea: Oh Sig, you're gonna love this. I've been wanting to do this all month. Strap in. It's time for me to introduce you...to The Great British Bake Off.

[Music: Play out to credits with slow medieval music.]

Credits
Episode 5, “Vampire Weekend” was written and directed by Destiny Howell. The show is produced and edited by Audiohm Media with theme music by Laurence Owen.

Starring the voice talents of; Wes Haas as Sig, Karsten Otto as Happy, and Sarah Ruth Thomas as Bea. If you enjoyed the show, be sure to leave us a review and subscribe.

You can find us online at noadventurespod.com or at our Twitter @noadventurespod for extras, transcripts, and absolutely no adventures.

Post-Credits Tag
Happy: So the cheetah on the packaging is meant to represent the abilities consuming this food will impart.

Bea: Abilities, no. Fingertip coloration, yes.

Episode Six: Post Mortem


the corner of a letter

[Music: Upbeat, Intro Music Plays]

Sig: Welcome to the Signature Eats bakery! I'm Sig and we've got breads, pies, cookies, cakes, and Absolutely No Adventures.

[Music: The Intro Music Plays Us Into The Scene]

Sig: I'm telling you. You're overreacting.

Happy: I am not.

Sig: It's really not that serious.

Happy: If it ever happened to me, I would act upon my name and make sure the perpetrator never felt another ounce of joy in their life again.

Sig: Over melted ice cream?

Happy (Aberrant One echo): Over the principle!

[SFX: Outside there is a thunderstrike.]

[Then a beat of silence.]

Sig: And I say again: overreacting. Which, by the way, is also the reason that--

[SFX: There is a WOOSH as Bea teleports in.]

Bea (interrupting): Hey guys I--oh. Sorry. Am I interrupting something important?

Sig (Overlapping with Happy): No.

Happy ( Overlapping with Sig): Extremely.

Bea: Extremely no or no, extremely?

[Sig sighs.]

Sig: We were watching British Bake-off with the old phone you left us and--

Bea: Oh my God! You got to Bin-gate didn't you? Melted Baked Alaska? What are you guys? Team Iain or Team Diana?

Happy: Iain is clearly in the right! She took his frozen dessert from the climate controlled space on what she knew was an oppressively hot day in what could only be seen as an act of sabotage.

Sig: But then he lost his cool and just threw it all out. If he hadn't done that, he could have explained himself and they probably would have gone easy on him since it wasn't his fault.

Happy: So you admit it wasn't his fault.

Sig: I mean, it also wasn't his freezer so--

Happy: It was dishonorable and he was rightfully angered.

Bea: I love this. You guys are better than Twitter. Oh, wait. Do you wanna see tweets from when the episode aired?

Sig: Twitter is the bird that delivers people's opinions, correct?

Bea: Correct.

Happy: I would like to hear from the bird. I'm sure it will show that the consensus is on my side.

Sig: What about you, Bea? What side are you on?

Bea: Oh, 100% Team--

[SFX: The front door opens and shuts.]

Sig: Oh sorry, we're closed.

Luxe: Oh, I'm not a customer. I'm here with mail.

Happy: You are not the usual mail carrier.

Luxe: Nope. I'm new. Call me Luxe. And I have a letter for one of you. Can I have your name?

Sig (extremely wary): You can call me Sig.

Luxe: What a unique name. And what a charming little shop. And charming compatriots. My dear, your hair is lovely.

Bea: Thanks! Yours is pretty too.

Luxe: May I have your name?

Bea: It's--

Sig: Don't! Don't say it. She's not asking for what you think. Are you Luxe?

[Luxe laughs.]

Luxe: I knew it. I knew you'd have me pegged within three sentences. That's ten dils I get to collect when I get back.

Sig: Truesight. Never fails. Besides, you're not as subtle as you think you are.
Luxe: Hmm. No point in glamours then, is there?

[SFX: There is a shimmering sound as she drops her disguise.]

Bea: Woah! You look all--model...cheekbones...sharp...pointy...ears...what just happened?

Luxe: Good question, but the better question is what's happening now. Ha!

[SFX: There is a bolt of magic from Luxe cut off by the shield block sound from Bea as she says--]

Bea: Uh--shield!

Happy: Fae!

Happy (Aberrant One echo): You will leave this place at once!

Luxe: You think I'm frightened of you, you little abomination?

Happy: You will be.

[SFX Happy does his usual firebolt but a lot more intensely than usual.]

Sig: Don't burn down my bakery! We're barely breaking even! I can't afford to rebuild it!

Luxe: Oh, caught my robe. Not bad. But not good enough.

Bea: Will someone please tell me what's going on?

Luxe: Well, it's very simple Ms. Bea. One of you has something that doesn't belong to [you] [and] that I was hired to get back and, relatedly, one of you has ticked off my employer and I was hired to kill them.

Bea: WHAT?!

Luxe: Well, don't sound so scared. You're not the one who's gonna die.

Sig: The Sorceress. She's the one who hired you. To get that stone back from Bea and then to punish me for stopping Bea in the first place.

Luxe: Got it in one! That's another bet resolved in my favor. You know, I almost wish I didn't have to kill you. You're turning out to be very profitable for me.

Bea: You don't have to kill him!

Luxe: I'm afraid I do. A fae always tells the truth. We kinda have to.

Bea: Doesn't mean we have to stick around for it. Hold on guys. Teleport!

[SFX: Her teleportation spell sound effect happens but glitches out.]

Bea: We're still in the bakery. Why are we still in the bakery?

[Luxe laughs.]

Luxe: That was a nice trick with the shield--I wasn't expecting that. But of course I'm dampening your spellcasting abilities now that I know you have them. What kind of magical assassin do you take me for? Speaking of, back to the matter at hand.

[SFX: There is a magic effect as she begins to choke out Sig, Vader style. He gasps for breath.]

Bea: Sig!

Happy: Let him go! I--

[SFX: There is a sound effect like ice cracking in a glass as she freezes him with magic.]

Happy: Arhg! I can't move.

Luxe: I don't know about that. Your mouth is moving just fine. How long do you think it takes for him to run out of breath? A minute? Two? I'll put down ten dils on two minutes.

Sig (ragged): Bet. Bet.

Bea: I'm not betting on your death! Let him go!

Luxe: No can do.

Sig (ragged): Hap, bet.

Luxe: Ha. Even losing consciousness he's more entertaining than you two.

Happy: Wait! You enjoy bets, do you not?

Luxe: I can't lie, I do.

Happy: Then I propose a bet. A bet for Sig's life.

Luxe: I already have that. What do I get out of this arrangement?

Happy: The thrill. That's what you Fae are always after. The thrill and...and a favor. You may be powerful but Fae have limitations. I am more powerful than a mortal but without your limitations. A favor from me would be an asset.

Luxe: Hmm.

[SFX: Sig chokes.]

Luxe: Hmm.

[SFX: Sig continues to choke.]

Luxe: Hm--

Bea: OH MY GOD! JUST SAY YES!

Luxe: Oh, alright.

[Sig takes a huge gasping breath.]

Luxe: You got me. I can't resist a good opportunity to gamble. OK, lay it on me. What's the bet? And you better make it interesting or I'm just gonna go back to choking out your friend.

Sig: I--hold on--OK. I got it. I have one. I bet, that you can't pick up and hold for three seconds any one item that I choose in this bakery.

Luxe (amused): That's your bet?

Sig: That's the bet. Nothing nailed down or anything like that--I'm not a cheater.

Luxe: You sure that's what you want to go with?

Sig: Scared you can't do it?

Luxe: You're real cocky for a guy whose windpipe is still trying to remember how to work properly. Alright then, bet made. You win, I don't kill you today. When I win, I get a favor from your little pet. Now pick your item.

Sig: I pick...one second. I pick--

[SFX: He sets a sword down on the table.]

Sig: This sword.

Luxe: Oh no. An iron weapon. Deadly to my Faery constitution. Whatsoever will I do? If only I had a magical, protective glove to shield me from this very eventuality--oh wait! That's this glove. It's the one I'm wearing right now. What are the odds, huh? What are the odds that a top-notch Fae assassin who spends most of her time in a world brimming with iron would have something like that? It's almost like I'm good at my job or something. How about that?

Sig: Pick it up then.

Luxe: What, you think I'm lying? Fae can't lie. You know that. But, a bet is a bet and I will uphold my end of the--AH!

[SFX: As she grabs for the sword, her flesh sizzles and the sword drops with a clatter.]

Sig: Oof, that looks like it burned.

Luxe: What? But my glove!

[Note: Sentence in brackets with the cadence of "It's not the heat; it's the humidity."]

Sig: Tough break. You know what they say: [It's not the iron, it's the ancient and powerful enchantment on the sheath.] And I think that means I won the bet, doesn't it?

[There's a long beat of silence, then Luxe bursts into delighted laughter.]

Luxe: Very clever Sig. I'm impressed. I'm still going to kill you, but I'm impressed.

Bea: But you said--

Luxe: I said I wouldn't kill him today. That still leaves my calendar pretty open, don't you think? And I'll get that stone from you too. I may have failed in taking your name which would have made this so much easier, but I'll find another way. Don't you worry. Well, enjoy the rest of your day. You certainly earned it. Bye-bye.

[SFX: She vanishes into sparkles.]

Bea: Oh my God! Sig, are you alright? What just happened? Don't pick that up!

Sig: Don't worry. It won't hurt me. Chosen one thing. I should send Lady Isadora a thank you note. Maybe some pie.

Happy: We should also procure protection from Fae magic for Bea within the day. Us as well to be cautious.

Sig: Good idea.

Bea: Why are you being so chill about this?!

Sig: Bea, don't worry. I'm fine. I mean, my throat isn't happy but, I'm fine.

Bea: But she tried to kill you! And she said she's gonna do it again!

Sig: Trust me, that was not my first assassination attempt. And I'm not worried about her trying again. Honestly, we probably don't even need the anti-Faery mojo. The people who want me dead and the people who need me alive for various chosen-one related reasons form a very delicate balance that pretty much cancel each other out. By the end of the day, everyone within that ecosystem will know about her and it'll be back to even again. I'm more worried about you. Are you OK? This isn't our first near death experience but I don't think you're used to this.

Bea: I'm OK. Except for a brief second before I got my shield up, I was mainly worried about you and Happy, but you were all good.

Happy: Your worry is appreciated but unnecessary.

Bea: Hey, look. On the floor. It looks like she dropped something.

Happy: Careful. It could be a trap.

Sig: Lemme take a look. Hmm. No, I don't see anything weird. It should be safe to pick up.

Bea: Is it a real letter? Did she, like, mug the mailman?

Happy: Who is it for?

Sig: It's for me, from--(gasps) no way!

[SFX: There is the sound of an envelope being ripped and a letter being taken out.]

Sig: Dear Applicant...read your application...dah, dah, dah...ha!

Bea: What?

Sig: I'm in!

Happy: In what? Is this the letter you have been, with the delusion of subtlety, waiting for for the past three months?

Sig: It sure is!

Bea: That still doesn't answer anything! What is it?

Sig: The Annual Solegard Baking Competition! I'm in!

[Music: Play out to credits with slow medieval music.]

Credits
Episode 6, “Post Mortem” was written and directed by Destiny Howell. The show is produced and edited by Audiohm Media with theme music by Laurence Owen.

Starring the voice talents of: Wes Haas as Sig, Karsten Otto as Happy, Sarah Ruth Thomas as Bea and featuring Nina Nikolic as Luxe. Special thanks to Jack Malban.

If you enjoyed the show, be sure to leave us a review and subscribe. You can find us online at noadventurespod.com or at our Twitter @noadventurespod for extras, transcripts, and absolutely no adventures.

Post-Credits Tag
Mail Man: Oh, it's a letter for that nice baker boy. This looks like the one he's been waiting for. He's going to be so exci--ah!

[SFX: Luxe freezes him and yoinks the letter from his hand.]

Luxe: I'll take that.

Episode Seven: What The Cat Dragged in


closeup of a spiderweb

[Music: Upbeat, Intro Music Plays]

Sig: Welcome to the Signature Eats bakery! I'm Sig and we've got breads, pies, cookies, cakes, and Absolutely No Adventures.

[Music: The Intro Music Plays Us Into The Scene]

Bea: I still can't believe it! This entire time we've been talking about this TV show about a baking competition that doesn't even have any prize money and you never one time mentioned that you entered a super major, magical baking competition.

Sig: It's not a magical competition. It's just a normal baking competition.

Bea: Yeah, but it's a baking competition in a magical world.

Sig: That doesn't mean it's a magical competition. When I get my hair cut it's not a magical haircut.

Bea: My point is, you should have told us! It's so exciting!

Sig: I know, I just didn't want to jinx it. The Annual Solegard Baking Competition is kind of a big deal. People come from all over. Helmund. Sancterra. Bourelia. I've entered the past three years in a row and nothing. This is the first time I've ever gotten in. I'm still kinda in shock.

Happy: It is a prestigious competition and they will recognize your talents or face the consequences.

Sig: You're not going to kill the judges, are you?

Happy: I simply meant that they will be proven wrong by history for not recognizing your talent. (beat) Unless you think it would help if I killed the judges.

Sig: No! I mean...no. But I appreciate the offer. And I appreciate the help with this.

Bea (melodramatic): Oh, what a tough job. Sitting in your shop, taste testing piles and piles of all your best baked goods. Truly not a task for the faint of heart. But I'm sure you'll find a way to repay us someday. Anyway, what's up next?

Sig: Let's see. Last thing you tried were my Chocolate, Chocolate, Chocolate cookies.

Bea: Verdict?

Happy: Insufficient chocolate.

Bea: Agreed.

Sig: Tough crowd.

Bea: You said be brutal.

Sig: Indeed I did. OK, maybe this will be the winner. Et, voila. Chocolate hazelnut Danish.

Bea: OK, see this is the thing I'm always talking about. You just called this a Danish but, like, do you even know what Denmark is? Have you ever heard of Denmark?

Happy: A great many creatures mark their dens as either warnings or invitations for potential mates.

Bea: Not even remotely the Denmark I'm talking about. So, if Denmark doesn't exist here, why is it called a Danish? Am I crazy? I feel like I'm going crazy.

Sig: I do too because you're monologuing about the dessert instead of putting it in your mouth.

Bea: Good point but I reserve the right to come back to this. And don't think I didn't notice that little bit of French you threw in which really just raises a whole new set of questions.

Sig: Bea--

Bea: Eating.

[SFX: Bea and Happy start eating the pastries.]

Happy: The chocolate distribution of this confection is adequate.

Bea: Yeah, it's all good but I'm not getting as much hazelnut as I'd like.

Sig: No?

Bea: I mean, don't get me wrong, it's good. I wouldn't be saying this if this wasn't for a huge competition but it could use a little more--wait, I forget. Have I introduced you guys to Nutella yet?

Sig: I don't remember.

Bea: Oh, trust me. You'd remember. Give me one sec to pop back to my apartment at home and get some. I'm about to change your life.

[SFX: Overlapping with the end of her sentence, there's a magical shimmering sound and then a mrow as Oliver teleports into the room.]

Sig: Is that the same cat from before?

Oliver: Again, I do have a name.

Sig: And I have clearly posted business hours that you're blatantly ignoring so I'm not really getting your point here.

Bea: What are you doing here Oliver? Oh! Do you wanna try some soon to be award winning baked goods?

Oliver: That is not why I'm here.

Bea: But this cheesecake is so good.

Oliver: I happen to be lactose intolerant.

Bea: So am I. Never let it stop me before. Come on, just a taste.

Oliver: Perhaps we can revisit this topic of conversation once we've covered the original reason I came. I'm here regarding Gossamer.

Happy: Gossamer?

Bea: Yeah, she's this giant, sentient spider that lives in that tower we're not allowed to go in. She wakes up, like, every five years to weave ominous prophecies like a reverse Charlotte's Web.

Oliver: A secret spider.

Bea: Hey, you're the one who decided to burst in here and have this conversation in the middle of their shop instead of at school tomorrow. That's on you.

Oliver: I suppose. Anyhow, she recently completed her new web and it's quite urgent that you read it.

Bea: Already? Dang. I thought I'd have another year at least.

Oliver: I'd hoped so too but see for yourself.

[SFX: Magical effect as he poofs it in.]

Oliver: And it's very delicate so be careful.

Bea: You just brought the web connected to two poles? It's gonna break for sure. Why didn't you just have me go up there and take a picture?

Oliver: This is traditional.

Bea: See, this is the ballpoint pens vs. quills argument all over again. You guys have no innovation. Well, I better read this before a slight breeze rips it up I guess. Happy, Sig, can you roll it out so I can read it? Careful. OK, perfect. Let's see. 'Locate the King born of two worlds/Enter the Dark's first lair/Drown deep his cur-sed amulet/or this world has no prayer.'

Sig: Why cur-sed?

Bea: Huh?

Sig: Why cur-sed and not just cursed? What's the difference? I always hear one or the other but no one has ever explained to me the difference.

Bea: Just scansion I think? You know, so it sounds right in iambic pentameter. Drown-deep-his-cur-sed-am-u-let-or-this-world-has-no-prayer. I took a Shakespeare class as part of my gen-ed back in undegrad.

Oliver: Ah, the Bard.

Bea: Wait, you know him? You know Shakespeare? The Shakespeare? Is Shakespeare magic? Is Tempest real? Is Midsummer's Night real?

Oliver: Can we please focus on the impending apocalypse?

Bea: Absolutely the least interesting part of all of that but sure. We can put a pin in that. What's so cur-sed about this amulet?

Oliver: It's an ancient artifact, capable of amplifying the powers of an Avatar of the Dark tenfold. A student brought it under our care long ago and we thought that would be enough. See, I brought it with me.

[SFX: Oliver poofs the amulet in.]

Sig: Woah! I don't love the idea of cursed jewelry in my shop. That's not gonna explode or anything, is it?

Oliver: No. The main risk comes if--don't touch it!

[SFX: There's a dark, magical sound as she grabs it.]

Bea (suddenly hostile, reverb): Of course you'd say that. Trying to keep all of this power for yourself you pathetic, useless, office administrator. The only noteworthy thing about you is that no one's gotten sick enough of you to get rid of you yet. I really ought to do it mysel--hey!

[SFX: The dark sound stops.]

Happy: Do not resist. You should not hold this.

Bea (normal, confused): I--! Ooh. Ugh. What was that? I hated that. I said the word ought? Who uses the word ought? Am I really one piece of chunky jewelry away from turning into a vintage Disney villain?

Oliver: As I was explaining before, the amulet exudes a corrupting force. Whoever holds it is influenced towards the dark.

Bea: Happy, buddy, maybe you should put that down.

Happy: I do not feel any different.

Sig: Does it not work on Aberrant Ones?

Oliver: Possibly? I really wouldn't know. On the rare occasion they show up on the mortal plane, they're usually trying to usher in an age of madness beyond mortal comprehension, not volunteering for magical study.

Bea: Are you sure you're good? You don't wanna flay us and turn us into wallets or anything like that?

Sig: Don't love that you had that right at the top of your head.

Happy: No more so than usual.

Sig: Really don't love that response. Why didn't you just destroy that thing as soon as you got it instead of putting it in storage?

Oliver: Carrying the amulet for extended periods of time is dangerous, even for a more advanced magic user such as myself. I have placed many wards on it to carry it here but it still was able to affect Bea. There is only one way to destroy the amulet and it would mean extended travel.

Happy: To the first lair of The Dark.

Oliver: Right. Within the sanctum, there is a well known as The Well of Shadow. Anything dropped into it is turned into shadows and destroyed. No other means can harm it.

Bea: Got it. Tolkien rules.

Oliver: You've learned of Mr. Tolkien as well. Excellent.

Bea: ExCUSE me? I'VE heard of Mr. Tolkien? How the hell do you--

Oliver: Beatrice.

Bea: OK, OK. Focusing.

Sig: Explain to me why Bea needs to do this and not a squad of, I dunno, highly trained and specialized wizards.

Bea: It has to be a student or it won't take. That's how it always works with The Dark.

Sig: Can't you just enroll some special ops wizards?

Oliver (lofty):That's not how it works.

Sig: Of course it isn't.

Oliver: Rest assured, she won't be going alone. Quests of this magnitude are always undertaken in groups of three, minimum. I'm sure you already have some students in mind but I'd suggest friends you think would have an easier time resisting the effects of the amulet.

Bea: Oh, we have that covered. I'll just take Happy. I mean, if he agrees to come.

Happy: A wise decision. I will, of course, assist if Sig says that it is acceptable.

Sig: Go for it. I'm not the boss of you.

Happy: You are, very explicitly, the boss of me.

Sig: Oh, right. Either way, it's fine. You can have the time off. I'll probably be at the competition while this is going on anyway so the shop will be closed.

Happy: Then you have my assistance.

Bea: Yay! I totally owe you guys.

Oliver: No, no, no. Wait just a second. He is not a student.

Bea: Right, but I am.

Oliver: The team is always of students. Don't you have any friends at school you'd like to quest with?

Bea: I mean, I have a study group.

Oliver: Great! Bring them.

Bea: Tad and Martha? No way! We're friends but we're not like, "Let's all go maybe die together," friends. We're, "I made you a copy of my notes because you were out sick," friends. They would not be into that.

Oliver: Well there are plenty of other students. Perhaps from Trueclaw or Dire--

Bea: Oh no. Not doing that. The Trueclaw kids are such tryhards. I don't think there's a single one of them that hasn't been in the Forest of Death on purpose. I don't want to be on a team where I'm gonna get outvoted on whether or not we should take a fun and casual shortcut through a forest of death. And the Direbeak kids are so...look, some of them are definitely working with the Dark and some of them are just jerks and the wild part is, I legitimately can't tell them apart. So an even harder no on them.

Oliver: But--

Sig: Hey, is the rule that the quest has to be all students or does a student just have to be the one who drops the amulet into the well?

Oliver: Well, technically the second but tradition dictates that--

Sig: Bea, you're all set.

Bea: Great! It'll be me and the Business Babe.

Oliver (flustered): That's...well but...you're still only two people. Well, a person and whatever he is.

Sig: Strong words coming from a talking cat.

Bea: Besides, it'll be three once we find this King of two worlds person and, speaking of. Elephant in the room. I know we're all thinking it so I'll just ask. Sig, are you the King of anywhere? Like, no pressure but I think you have to tell me if you are.

Sig: I am extremely happy to tell you that I am not the King of anywhere. I'm technically the prince of a couple of places and I think there's a barony on my Mom's side but not a King.

Bea: And, like, your middle name isn't King or something like that?

Sig: No, but good on you for checking. That's definitely the right instinct. You're already acing this.

Happy: Sig may not be a king, but he does have six brothers who are as much of two worlds as he is. Perhaps one of them is the King of Two Worlds we need.

Bea: Good point. Sig, can you send them all letters asking for me?

Sig: Sure. They're all hero types. I'm sure any of them will help you if it's them.

Bea: Sounds like a plan. And we already have all this cake out to celebrate! That's so lucky!

Oliver: Lucky??? The apocalypse is happening!

Sig: An apocalypse is always happening which I know because I get called about a lot of them. Today, it's happening with chocolate cake. I call that lucky.

Oliver: But protocol states that--

Bea: Oliver, what's more important? That the world doesn't end or how the world doesn't end?

Oliver: Well the first of course but--

Bea: Then don't worry. We got this.

Oliver: A member of my family has been employed at Hexwell since it was founded. If I'm the first one to break the chain I'll be disowned.

Bea: Oh, relax. If we save the world, I'll tell them that if they fire you, I'll drop out. And if we don't save the world, it won't matter because we'll all be dead!

Oliver (deadpan): What a cheery thought.

Bea: Great! Apocalypse game plan is locked in which means we can get back to the important thing.

Sig: Right, the baking competition.

Bea: No! Shakespeare! How do you know him? Is he from here? Is he magic? Are Oberon and Titania real? Is he still alive? Did he write all of his plays because a lot of people think he didn't. And don't get me started on Tolkien. Is there a real Shire? Are there pictures of the Shire? Can we go to the Shire?

Bea's excited monologue gradually fades out.

[Music: Play out to credits with slow medieval music.]

Credits
Episode 7, “What the Cat Dragged In” was written and directed by Destiny Howell. The show is produced and edited by Audiohm Media.

Sig is voiced by Wes Haas. Happy is voiced by Karsten Otto. Bea is voiced by Sarah Ruth. This episode featured Andrew Oakes as the voice of Oliver.

If you enjoyed the show, be sure to leave us a review and subscribe. You can find us online at noadventurespod.com or at our Twitter @noadventurespod for extras, transcripts, and absolutely no adventures.

Post-Credits Tag

Bea: So if I were to get a slice of bread and soak it in eggs and milk and vanilla and cinnamon and then fry it and serve it to you with maple syrup, I would have made you...?

Sig: French toast.

Bea: French toast!? French toa--! I need to lie down.

Episode Eight: Something Im-portent


closeup of a spiderweb

[Music: Upbeat, Intro Music Plays]

Sig: Welcome to the Signature Eats bakery! I'm Sig and we've got breads, pies, cookies, cakes, and Absolutely No Adventures.

[Music: The Intro Music Plays Us Into The Scene]

[SFX: We hear Bea's email warp as she teleports in.]

Bea: I'm here! And I brought--

Sig: Oh good, Bea. You can help.

Bea: Uh, yeah. That's why I'm here. To help with the baking.

Sig: Forget about the baking. This is way more important.

Bea: More important? You care more about this competition than the literal end of the world. What could be more important?

Happy: A portent.

Bea: No, I'm pretty sure it's pronounced important.

Happy: No. Sig had a portent. An ill-omen.

Sig: A SUPER scary dream.

Bea: Wait, you had a vision? You have visions?

Sig: Only occasionally. It's kinda bundled with the Truesight. I can't control it. I had one right before I woke up and came straight here.

Bea: How bad?

Happy: Sig dreamed of a voice that said his past would become his future and go up in flames.

Bea: Yikes.

Sig: Yeah, exactly. Which is why I need your help trying to figure out who's trying to burn my life to the ground a month before I finally get to be in the Solegard baking competition! I mean, try and kill me on a normal day like everyone else. That's all I ask.

Happy: The voice did not say it would kill you.

Bea: He has a point. But, I don't really think it's one of those things where someone says they're going to take you out and you think it's in the mob way but really they mean on a date. There's not really a good way for things to go up in flames.

Sig: My thought exactly, which is why we need to figure out who from my past is coming to get me. I had Happy stop everything so we could work on this list of anything that might be coming back to bite me but I'm thinking maybe an outside perspective could be good? When this stuff happens to you on a daily basis, it all kinda starts to seem normal. Maybe one of these will stick out to you.

[SFX: She takes the paper.]

Bea: Sure, if you think it'll help. Let me see. Wow, this is a long list. Is this for the past year?

Sig: This is just the past month.

Bea: Oh man, we're gonna be here for a while.

Sig: A-yup.

Bea: Really pretty handwriting though. This is, like, calligraphy.

Sig: You should direct the compliment at Happy. He's the one who wrote it.

Bea: Really?

Sig: He keeps better track of this stuff than me because he has to report back to his bosses back in the Abyss.

Bea: That doesn't explain the calligraphy.

Happy: I take night classes.

Bea: They were worth the money. This is gorgeous. You know, I was thinking of getting us matching t-shirts for our quest. Maybe you could do the lettering and then I could get them screen printed. Something cool like Amulet Avengers or Battle Babes or--

Sig: Can we please wait to brainstorm catchy, alliterative slogans until after I'm out of the portent danger zone?

Bea: Sorry, sorry. Let's look at the list. Hmm, OK. Luxe the Fae comma, Swore to kill. Oh, right. I almost forgot about that. Has she been around at all since the last time? She hasn't bothered me.

Sig: Nope. Slipped right into the ecosystem just like I thought she would.

Happy: Perhaps Adelaide intends to send another assassin after you? Or to come after you herself.

Bea: I kinda doubt it. I mean, she paid someone to do it and they haven't done it yet. I bet Luxe hasn't snitched on herself that she failed. Besides, I heard she's fighting with Petra right now so she's probably a little too busy to be personally ruining your life.

Sig: Good point. OK, what's next on the list?

Bea: It says Dark Lord comma--wait! The Dark Lord? He was here? And you didn't tell me? This could have saved me so much trouble!

Happy: You are thinking of the Avatar of the Dark. This is a different entity altogether.

Bea: Really? Are they related at all?

Sig: I mean, they're both bad but in completely unaffiliated ways. They just have similar aesthetics I think.

Bea: Huh. Well, that is some confusing branding but sure. What's his deal?

Sig: Oh, nothing really. He's really not a bad guy.

Bea: The Dark Lord isn't a bad guy?

Sig: It wasn't the Dark Lord proper. It was Dark Lord Jr.

Happy: The son of the current Dark Lord, sent to give Sig an ultimatum. Join forces with him or die.

Bea: Well I notice you're not dead so I'm guessing he is?

Sig: What? No! I didn't kill him or anything. And he didn't try to kill me either. After I told him that I wasn't going to join his unholy army, he panicked and ordered an entire chocolate cake. Then he stress ate the whole thing at the counter.

Happy: It was extremely off-putting. He left chocolate smudges all over the counter for me to clean.

Sig: Give the guy a break. It's not like he wants to be the next Dark Lord. He was born into it. I can relate. We had a good talk.

Bea: So you just...talked him out of it? It was that easy?

Sig: Kinda. I don't think it ever occurred to him that he could just...you know...not do that. Which you definitely can. In fact, I think I might be the world's leading expert in not doing stuff.

Happy: He was convinced to take some time to think over alternative career aspirations after his talk with Sig and he left to do so.

Sig: There haven't been any swarms of locusts or blood rain or anything else crazy since then so I feel like he's probably low priority right now. Who was after him?

Bea: Um, it just says "Soul Scammer"?

Sig: Right, the guy who tried to get my soul in a rigged game of Find the Lady. Guess he never got the memo about the Truesight. But, wait. Wasn't there something before him?

Happy: You are thinking about the woman with the Lupine curse, but she is no longer a general threat.

Bea: Lupine? Was she a werewolf?

Sig: Close, but no.

Happy: She was under a curse that trapped her as a mindless beast, not only under the effects of the full moon but at all times.

Sig: It's the kind of spell that needs a royal kiss to break it. She was a noblewoman and she wouldn't marry this shady prince so he had the court Wizard curse her so her family would have to agree to let him marry her so he would fix her.

Bea: Gross.

Sig: Right? Luckily, instead of doing what he wanted, all of her siblings tracked her down, knocked her out, and brought her here.

Bea: Oh right. You did say you were technically the prince of a bunch of places.

Sig: Yeah. I don't care about the title but it is useful for curse breaking.

Bea: Please tell me you didn't give them a hard time and point at the no adventures sign.

Sig: Oh, come on. Give me a little credit. If you go through all the trouble of bringing the kiss-ee right to me, I would be kind of a jerk to not do the honors. The only part I don't like is when I get offered an engagement after. It's so awkward, especially when the girl is standing right there. It happened for the first time when I was eight. I woke up this little princess girl from a sleeping curse and her dad offered me her hand in marriage.

Bea: Did you take it?

Sig: Of course not. I asked for a toy horse and an invitation to her birthday party. We're still pen pals actually.

Bea: Oh! Oh! Idea! What if that's what the portent means? Flame as in an old flame. Anyone that you turn down seem ticked off?

Sig: Not really. They're usually relieved.

Bea: What about that noble girl?

Sig: Oh, she definitely wasn't mad. At least not at me. After she came out from the curse, she was so upset at the prick who did it to her that she made a vengeance pact with Happy to be able to transform at will so she can go back home and ruin him.

Bea: That's so awesome. A little Aberrant One special, eh, Happy? Happy?

Happy: Oh no. The Toroids!

[SFX: He rushes into the back room, door slamming.]

Bea: Toroids?

Sig: Oh no. Is that what you were making when I came in? Maybe it's OK. Maybe we can save them. Maybe--

[SFX: The door opens. A baking sheet hits the table.]

Happy (sullen): They are ruined.

Sig: I'm so sorry, Happy. I didn't realize.

Bea: What's going on? What's a Toroid?

Sig: It's an Aberrant One special baking recipe he's been telling me about for months. The Toroid of Dimension and Despair.

Happy: I have been working on it in my off time since I arrived to attempt to add value to the shop by perfecting the recipe and have been met with a string of failures. I do not deserve to wear this hat.

Sig: Oh, don't say that. You're totally a business babe. And this one wasn't even your fault. I'm the one who barged in here and distracted you.

Bea: Yeah, these aren't just overcooked. They're completely burned.

Happy (realization): They went up in flames.

Bea: Yeah, burned. Like I said.

Sig (groaning): Oh, I can't believe it. This is what the portent was about? This?

Happy: It is from your past. I have been trying to make this almost since I arrived. And they did go up in flames.

Sig: I've been stressed out all morning because of a burned toroid? What a waste of time!

Bea: Is it?

Sig: Uh, it feels pretty wasted to me.

Bea: I mean, think about it though. Visions are usually about important things, right? And it said that the thing that burned would be from your past and it would become your future, right?

Sig: Yeah. So?

Bea: So? Say hello to your winning entry to the competition.

Sig: What? But, I can't make a toroid. It's an Aberrant One thing. Happy can't even make them.

Bea: What do you mean? These are cronuts.

Sig: Cro-whats?

Bea: Cronuts. You know? Half croissant-half donuts?

[SFX: She breaks the charred pastry.]

Bea: See? Flaky on the inside, like a croissant, but it's donut shaped.

Happy (awe): You know of the Toroid?

Bea: Yeah, there's a place that sells these in SoHo back home.

Sig: Is that what the Toroid is? He never really lets me see what he's doing. But that actually sounds...kinda genius. I never thought to do that but it makes a lot of sense

Bea: Yeah. People line up for blocks to get them.

Sig: Blocks!? They line up for blocks?

Happy (smug): Beyond human comprehension. Just as I said.

Sig: You're not making this up?

Bea: Nope. They're really popular. You've never heard of them?

Sig: No! Although, I don't know if it matters since Happy hasn't been able to figure them out.

Bea: So, we use the internet. I bet I could get you a really easy tutorial on how to make them online if that would help.

Sig: He has to do a whole blood ritual every time he wants to look at the recipe. Yeah, I think it'll help.

Happy: The ingredients are still out in the back room from my last attempt. We can try again right now.

Bea: Guys? I got a good feeling about this. Let's bake!

[Music: Play out to credits with slow medieval music.]

Credits
Episode 8, “Something Im-portent” was written and directed by Destiny Howell. The show is produced and edited by Audiohm Media with theme music by Laurence Owen.

Starring the voice talents of; Wes Haas as Sig, Karsten Otto as Happy, and Sarah Ruth Thomas as Bea.

If you enjoyed the show, be sure to leave us a review and subscribe. You can find us online at noadventurespod.com or at our Twitter @noadventurespod for extras, transcripts, and absolutely no adventures.

Post-Credits Tag

Bea: You said blood ritual before. Whose blood--actually nevermind. Forget I asked.

Episode Nine: Last Action Hero


red and white container of popcorn

[Music: Upbeat, Intro Music Plays]

Sig: Welcome to the Signature Eats bakery! I'm Sig and we've got breads, pies, cookies, cakes, a special surprise item soon to be debuted at the Solegard Baking Competition, and Absolutely No Adventures.

[Music: The Intro Music Plays Us Into The Scene]

Sig: OK. Out of the oven, iced, and cooled. Moment of truth.

[SFX: We hear crunches as Sig and Happy taste the cronuts.]

[SFX: A beat of silence. Then…]

Sig: I think I'm going to win this competition.

[SFX: Bea's warp plays as she teleports in.]

Sig: Bea!

Bea (distracted): Hey guys.

Sig: Just in time! You gotta taste it! I did this batch by myself and I think I got it.

Bea: I don't know. I'm not really feeling sweets right now.

Happy: You are upset.

Bea: No, I'm fine. I'm just a little stressed about this whole quest thing. Headmistress Heath is breathing down my neck about this. I don't have that much time before I have to get the amulet to the well, but I can't go until I find this King guy. That's why I came. Have you heard anything from your brothers?

Sig: I have but it's not really good news.

Bea (sighing): Let's hear it.

Sig: I thought Arnie, my oldest brother, would be the best bet since he's the one who married a princess so he's actually in line to become king but he says the king is extremely healthy so it doesn't look like he'll be getting anywhere near the throne anytime soon.

Happy: If you would like that changed, I can arrange it.

Bea: That's sweet Happy, but no. Casual regicide is not on my to-do list today. Who's next?

Sig: Kurt. You know, the one who went to Hexwell? He said that he's not a king as far as he knows but he also says that, if the world doesn't end, he'd love to meet you. You know, since you're from the other world and you guys both went to the same school and stuff. There's some questing tips in the letter too. Here.

Bea: Thanks. I'll read them later. What else you got?

Sig: Look at this one. From Sly.

Bea: This is just a giant pawprint.

Sig: Ha, right? It came today.

Happy: Sylvester is a skilled bounty hunter. One of his abilities is transforming into different animals to better hunt his quarry. It seems that, right now, he is a tiger.

Bea: A tiger? You're sure. Not a lion maybe?

Happy: I am fairly certain.

Bea: Dangit.

Happy: Do you have a strong preference between the two?

Bea: No, it's not that. It's just, if he was a lion, then that might be the answer. You know, like king of the jungle?

Happy: But lions do not live in the jungle.

Bea: Huh. I guess you're right. But it's a thing people say. I dunno, I thought it might be something.

Happy: Perhaps we could convince him to turn into a lion and accompany us?

Sig: I doubt he'll be back soon enough for that. He only sends back letters like this when he's pretty deep into whatever he's doing and doesn't want to break focus by doing something as human-y as writing.

Bea: Dang. Well, that's three brothers. What about the other three?

Sig: I don't know. They haven't gotten back to me yet.

Bea: Oh, come on! Don't they know the world is ending?

Sig: In their defense, there's a good chance they're also stopping an apocalypse right now. They have an adventuring party together so they're always traveling. It can be hard to get a message to them.

[SFX: Bea sighs.]

Bea: Great. Fantastic.

Sig: Hey, let's take a break. You can try the new dessert if you're up for it.

Bea: It does smell good in here.

Sig: Come on, just a bite. It'll make you feel better.

Bea: Ugh, I'm supposed to be eating healthier. Making friends with a baker was a mistake.

[SFX: She takes a bite.]

Bea (mouth full): Oh my God.

Sig: Yeah?

Bea: Oh my God, this is amazing.

Sig: You think so?

Bea: Sig, you're gonna win! This is totally gonna win!

Sig: Ha! I thought I might be hyping it up too much but, if I have your seal of approval, say hello to my official entry to the Solegard Baking Competition: The Bea Happy Toroid, by Signature Eats.

Bea: After us?

Sig: Yeah. I wouldn't have been able to do this without your help.

Bea: Aww, Sig. That's so cute.

Happy: It is an extreme honor.

Bea: Well, I definitely feel a little better, but I still wish I could figure out this king thing.

Happy: There are rituals I could attempt to contact your remaining brothers. However, there is approximately a 12% chance that the recipient of the message will lose their mind.

Sig: Well, if we do it, we should for sure do it on Dolph. He's clearly already lost his mind with all the crazy stuff he does. The last time they visited, he'd gotten a face tattoo. A face tattoo, Happy!

Bea: You have a brother named Dolph?

Sig: Yeah. Fourth oldest, after Sly.

Bea: Ha! You have brothers next to each other in age named Dolph and Sly. That's funny.

Happy: I do not understand.

Sig: Yeah, why is that funny?

Bea: Oh, right. You wouldn't know. There's a really famous movie back home called Rocky. Well, Rocky IV specifically. And the stars are Sylvester Stallone and Dolph Lundgren. Actually...what are all the other names of your brothers again?

Sig: Oldest to youngest, there's Arnold, Kurt, Sly, Dolph, Chuck, and Jean Claude.

Bea: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Kurt Russell, Sylvester Stallone, Dolph Lundgren, Chuck Norris, Jean Claude Van Damme! All of your brothers are named after famous, 80s, action stars! Your mom must have been a big fan.

Sig: Mom always said the names were from great warriors from her world.

Bea: Well she was right. Oh, man! I can't wait to show you guys Terminator. But, wait. If all of your brothers are named after 80's action stars, why are you named Signature?

Sig (laughing): What? Sig's not short for Signature. You thought my name was Signature?

Bea: I mean, it's called the Signature Eats bakery and your name is Sig.

Sig: Signature's not a name!

Bea: Neither is Happy but here he is!

Sig (still laughing): I can't believe you thought my name was Signature.

Bea: OK, OK. Laugh it up. That still doesn't explain why you don't have an action hero name.

Sig: I do. Sig is short for Sigourney.

Bea: Oh, duh! Sigourney Weaver! From Alien. Very good movie. You'd like it too. But wait. She's a she.

Sig: Yeah. Mom said she'd been wanting to use the name for ages but she kept having boys. When she was pregnant with me, she thought, "Whoever's in there is getting this name," and, ta-da, it was me. But it's not a name anyone else I've met has so no one ever teased me about having a girl's name.

Bea: I don't think I've ever heard of anyone besides her and you having that name. Actually, let me check.

[SFX: We hear typing on her phone in the background.]

Sig: I'm curious. Do you know any other Happy's Happy?

Happy: No. I won the rights to exclusive use of the name by defeating the past holder in combat to the death.

Sig: That's a joke, right?

Happy: Correct.

Sig: Oh, good.

Happy: The combat was not to the death.

Sig (come on): Happy.

Bea: Oh my God.

Sig: What?

Bea: Oh my GOD.

Sig: Bea, what?

Bea: I...I can't...I gotta take a lap. Happy, hold my phone, I'm taking a lap.

[SFX: She walks off.]

Sig: What does it say?

Happy (reading): "Sigourney is a male name found in the book, the Great Gatsby, made famous by actress Sigourney Weaver. It is of French origin and has the meaning...daring king."

Sig: WHAT?

[SFX: Footsteps as Bea returns.]

Bea (almost hysterical): It's you! It's you. I've been looking and looking and the king of two worlds has been you this entire time! I feel...I feel...I feel like they need to invent a new emotion to describe what I'm feeling right now.

Sig: This can't be real. How is this my life? How is this always my life? And you know what the craziest part is? I didn't even see it coming. For once, I didn't see it coming.

Bea: Oh, man. OK. Brainstorm. How flexible are spiderweb prophecies? Like, it says without the king we don't have a prayer but is that set in stone?

Happy: I believe it is set in web.

Bea: Not what I meant. I mean, can we fudge it. Find a workaround. There's gotta be something.

Happy: Twist the meaning?

Bea: Or try the lion thing.

Sig: Or you could just ask me.

Bea: Huh?

Sig: You never asked me to do it.

Bea: Yeah, because I can read, Sig. "Absolutely no adventures." I don't want to force you to do something you're not comfortable doing, even if the world is ending. I mean, it's ending all the time, right? We'll figure it out.

Sig: You don't need to figure it out. I'll help. Of course I'll help.

Bea: But your policy--

Sig: Is for random people who don't know me knocking down my door every day for me to solve their problems. Not for my friend, who needs help on her school project and has a dessert partially named after her because she spent so much of her free time helping me with my big project.

Bea: Oh no! The baking competition! The timelines overlap, don't they? I don't think you'll be able to make both.

Happy: The Dark's first lair and the competition location are in opposite directions. There is no way you would be able to both do this quest and make it in time for the competition.

Bea: Sig, I won't be mad if you go to the competition. I know how much it means to you. And your vision. It said these were your future.

Sig: Well, it's a good thing the future hasn't happened yet, right? Don't worry. I'll get another chance at that. What's important right now is making sure you can do what you need to. Besides, what kind of a daring king would I be if I said no?

Bea: You sure?

Sig: I'm sure. If it's for you then I am absolutely ready for exactly one adventure.

Bea: Then you know what that means, right?

Happy: What?

Bea: ROADTRIP!

[Music: Play out to credits with slow medieval music.]

Credits
Episode 9, “Last Action Hero” was written and directed by Destiny Howell. The show is produced and edited by Audiohm Media with theme music by Laurence Owen.

Starring the voice talents of; Wes Haas as Sig, Karsten Otto as Happy, and Sarah Ruth Thomas as Bea.

If you enjoyed the show, be sure to leave us a review and subscribe. You can find us online at noadventurespod.com or at our Twitter @noadventurespod for extras, transcripts, and absolutely no adventures.

Post-Credits Tag

Bea: Oh, duh! Eye of the tiger. It was right there!

Episode Ten: Something New


a mini sword stuck in a field of clovers with two rings hanging off it

[Music: Upbeat, Intro Music Plays]

Sig: I'm Sig and I'm not actually at Signature Eats bakery right now. Kinda got caught up with something. But, don't worry. Soon, I'll be back, serving up breads, pies, cookies, cakes, and Absolutely--

[Intro Music stops]

Happy: Sig!

[Music restarts]

Sig: Absolutely no--

[Intro Music stops]

Bea: SIG! We need you!

Sig: Absolutely--oh, never mind. I'm coming guys!

[SFX: We hear Sig draw his sword before the intro music plays us into the scene.]

[SFX: Throughout, everyone sounds like they're eating cronuts on and off.]

Bea: That's your pick for worst moment? Really?

Sig: 100%

Happy: It was extremely simple.

Sig: It was insulting! We're bringing this amulet powerful enough to end to world to a well strong enough to destroy the world ending amulet and, on the way there, we have to tell a bridge that the greatest magic of all is friendship so it'll let us pass? No, I'm pretty sure it's the amulet. Or the well. Or literally any other kind of actual magic. It's ridiculous!

Bea (teasing): I don't know. No one's ever been able to magically force you into a quest before but I did it.

Sig: Doesn't count. Friendship isn't magic. Friendship is friendship. Magic is magic. Otherwise, they'd be teaching you how to make friendship bracelets at Hexwell, not how to cast spells. You didn't beat that dragon with friendship. You beat it with a giant bolt of magical lightning like a proper wizard.

Bea: Ugh, don't remind me. That was my least favorite part for sure.

Sig: What? But you crushed it. In fact, I'd say you zapping that thing is in the top five moments of the quest for me, and not just because it was definitely about to eat me.

Happy: I agree. You fought admirably.

Bea: Loving the love-fest guys, but I don't feel great about zapping an innocent dragon.

Sig: Innocent!? Are we forgetting the part where it tried to eat me?

Bea: It's not his fault someone made him guard that crypt. It's like...it's like a dog.

Happy: I can assure you, it is not.

Bea: I think it is. There are no bad animals, only bad owners.

Sig: Oh, trust me. There are bad animals.

Happy: Like those traitorous pegasi.

Bea: Happy, I keep telling you--

Happy: If they had just flown us all the way to the lair--

Bea: The Dark would have pinged their auras and blasted us out of the sky as soon as we got within range of the lair. We had to walk. They took us as far as they could.

Happy: They could have carried us further if they were not cowards.

Bea: OK, let's not get into that again. If that was your least favorite part, what was your favorite part?

Happy: Speaking with the well was...amusing.

Sig (laughing): Oh, that was so funny. Bea, Bea. Do it with me.

Bea (laughing): Yeah, yeah, do it.

Sig (sinister,whispery): Give in to the Dark. Let it flow through you and facilitate your every whim. Your darkest desires. Your deepest fantasies.

Bea: Nah.

[SFX: They burst out laughing.]

Sig: I am so glad my job was lair entrance opener and not amulet holder.

Bea: Hard same. Would not want to see the timeline where one of us had to do that.

Sig: Or one of those Direbeak kids. Can you imagine?

Bea: We should be fair. They're not all evil.

Sig: No, but non-evil ones don't exactly condemn the evil either.

Happy: What was your favorite moment of the quest?

Bea: Me?

Sig: Oh, come on. It's gotta be dropping the amulet into the well, right? That's always the best part the way I hear people say it. Killing the thing or finding the thing or destroying the thing. You know. Checking the box.

Bea: Actually, no.

Sig: No?

Bea: No. I mean, don't get me wrong, that was super awesome. But I think my favorite part was just..hanging out with you guys.

Sig: Boo! Pick a real thing.

Bea: I'm serious! I'm really glad you guys came. The parts where we weren't literally moments away from death were really fun. Like a camping trip. I'm glad it was your guys' shop I stumbled into when I got here. Really.

[SFX: Beat.]

Bea: Finding out that all of Toad House gets automatic straight A's for the semester because of this was also pretty sweet. I've gotten so many magi-messages from my classmates. I'm basically a rock star.

Sig: There we go. There's your real answer.

Bea: No, I stand by my first answer. No matter what cool stuff happened, it wouldn't have been as cool if I hadn't done it with you and the Business Babe. Sorry about the hat by the way.

Happy: A small sacrifice to make in pursuit of the quest. I would have given up a thousand hats.

Bea: Aww. Don't worry, I'll get you another one exactly like it. Ooh, you can even come with me if you want. We keep saying we're gonna make a trip to my neck of the woods and we never do.

Happy: That would be agreeable.

Bea: I still can't believe I won you over with a hat. You're a cheap date Happy.

Sig (laughing): You think it was the hat?

Bea: Uh, yeah. That's the only thing I gave him when we met.

Sig: It wasn't the hat.

Happy: The hat helped.

Sig: OK, it was a little bit the hat. But it was mostly his name.

Bea: What do you mean? Happy?

Happy: My full name. Happiness Escapes All Who Behold His Great and Terrible Visage.

Bea: Oh man, I totally mangled it when we met. I'm sorry.

Happy: You attempted to say it correctly. That is more than most people do. It cast you in a favorable light.

Bea: Well, you weren't put off by pink or sparkles which also (mimicking) cast you in a favorable light.

Happy: I do not understand the correlation.

Bea: Neither do I but gender roles were established long before I was born so you'll need to take it up with someone else. But hey! It all worked out! Oliver did not lose his job which he is extremely happy about. I screwed up so many betting pools which serves them right for betting against me. And the Dark is defeated!

Sig: Yeah, until he comes back next year.

Bea: Are you sure? That death felt pretty final.

Sig: Yeah, Kurt staked him through the eye with a blessed unicorn horn and he was back six months later trying to infect the school's water supply with some kind of darkness plague. Trust me. He'll be back.

Happy: And, when he does, you will have our assistance.

Sig: He is unfortunately correct. But please don't spread it around that I went on a quest or else--

[SFX: The front door suddenly opens.]

Isadora: Hello?

Sig: Lady?

[SFX: Bea slaps Sig.]

Bea: Sig! Rude!

Sig: Ow! That hurt.

Isadora: Oh, no. He wasn't being rude. He was simply giving me my title. I don't believe we've met.

Bea: We haven't. I'm Bea. Nice to meet you.

Isadora: Likewise. And I'm Lady Isadora, though, not for very much longer.

Sig: Oh, no. Don't tell me. Something went wrong on the quest and now you're on a mission to reclaim your honor before you're stripped of your title and you need my help. I swear, you go on one quest for a friend and--!

Isadora: No, no. You've got it all wrong. The quest went amazingly. Dreadlich defeated, Kingdom still standing. Sword mine to keep. It went as well as possible.

Happy: Then why are you losing your title?

Isadora: Not losing my title, Mr. Happy. Gaining a new one. See?

Sig: Woah!

Bea: Look at the size of that rock!

Happy: This is what is known as an engagement ring, correct?

Isadora: Correct. Although, technically, keeping the sword was the engagement present. The ring was a formality after the fact.

Bea: So then your new title is...

Isadora: Queen Consort.

Bea: Oh man! Way to go! I don't even know you but mad respect.

Sig: Yeah. Congratulations.

Isadora: Congratulations yourselves. I've heard that you'll need to put an asterisk on that sign of yours. Absolutely no Adventures, except for the one.

Sig: Oh no. Are people talking about it? I knew this was going to happen. Did you just come here to rub it in?

Isadora: No. I was under very strict instructions by you not cross the ocean to see you again unless I wanted pie.

Sig: You came here for pie? I mean, we're closed but if you came all this way--

Isadora (chuckling): I didn't come for pie. Or, rather, I didn't come for pie right this second. I'm having a wedding.

Sig: Right.

Isadora: Which involves a lot of hiring.

Sig: Right.

Isadora: Including a baker.

Sig: Ri--oh! OH! Wait? Are you serious? You want me to make your wedding cake?

Isadora: I want you to make our everything. Cakes, pies, cookies. Anything you can bake. Everything needs to be of the highest quality, even if I have to ship you across the ocean to make it happen.

Sig: Really?

Isadora: Sig, at a point in my quest, I had a serious internal monologue about whether it was wiser to finish the pie you gave me before I faced a monster in case I didn't survive to eat it or to save it as a reward for defeating it. That is a caliber of dessert I want at my wedding. And, besides I doubt this would be happening at all if you hadn't pulled the sword and given me a chance to wield it so, yes. I want your best cake. I want your best pies. I want...whatever it is that you're eating right now.

Happy: Bea Happy.

Isadora: I am. Ecstatically.

Bea: No, that's the name of the dessert. Sig named it after us. The Bea Happy Toroid.

Sig: Yeah, it was supposed to be my entry into this competition.

Isadora: The Solegard Baking Competition?

Sig: Yes! See Bea! I told you it was a big deal.

Bea (amused): I never doubted you.

Sig: Here, try one.

[SFX: She does.]

Isadora: This might be better than the sword. And I really love that sword. I saved the kingdom with that sword.

Sig: You like it?

Isadora: "Like" would have to cross the Pax 12 times over to approach the vicinity of what I'm feeling right now.

Bea (aside): So buff and yet so poetic. Someone is absolutely hitting the jackpot here.

Isadora: We have to have these. As many as you can make in as many flavors as you can make. They'll be a hit. We'll pay you handsomely of course. Name a price and I'll double it. I happen to know the woman holding the purse strings for the kingdom and she's extremely agreeable.

Bea: Wait a second. This is a royal wedding type deal, right?

Isadora: Yes.

Bea: Well I'm not an expert on royal protocol but I did see Princess Diaries 1 and 2 at least fifty times each. People are gonna come from all over for this, right? Other royal people from other kingdoms?

Isadora: Of course. The guest list isn't complete but it's shaping up to be a real to-do.

Bea: Ha! Sig! Your portent!

Sig: What about it?

Bea: Don't you see?

Happy: Ah!

Bea: See? The Business Babe's got it.

Happy: We assumed that the toroid was your future in that you would win the competition with it which would earn you accolades that you could parlay into increased success in your business. However, if your dessert is featured in well attended, high profile, royal wedding then--

Sig: This could be huge. For business. For me. This could be the thing people know me for. I won't even need the sign! I mean, I'll probably still need the sign, let's be realistic, but still!

Isadora: So you'll do it?

Sig: I--wait. Can I get two plus ones?

Isadora: For your friends here? Of course.

Sig: Then you got yourself a deal. Let's talk pastries.

[Music: Play out to credits with slow medieval music.]

Credits
Episode 10, “Something New” was written and directed by Destiny Howell. The show is produced and edited by Audiohm Media with the theme music by Laurence Owen.

Starring the voice talents of; Wes Haas as Sig, Karsten Otto as Happy, and featuring Briar Zachary as Lady Isadora.

If you enjoyed the show, be sure to leave us a review and subscribe. You can find us online at noadventurespod.com or at our Twitter @noadventurespod for extras, transcripts, and absolutely no adventures.

Post-Credits Tag
Isadora: I remember my first dragon. I lost a tooth. But it was going to fall out soon anyway.

Sig: Hold on, it was a baby tooth? You still had baby teeth? And they let you fight a dragon? That's...you...bad!

Isadora: It was only a baby dragon. I hardly even got burned.

Sig: Still bad!